School is out, CHRISTMAS is almost in!

Happy Advent to you!  A little poetic entertainment that came to me during my run after completing our last day of school for this calendar year.....

School's out, no need to fear.

At our house now, it's Christmas cheer.

No more grammar, no more math,

Science and history bring no more wrath.

With all this behind us, we can now wait in joy,

To celebrate the coming of Mary's sweet baby Boy.

He saved us from sin and let Love enter in,

And even now His birthday saves us again.

For we get a break, time to pray and to rest,

Focus on family and take not a single test!

Yes homeschool is real, and honestly quite fun,

But for 2013, friends, we are now...DONE!

Peace be with you,

Anne

:) * +

"Almost Heaven....West Virginia!"

Oh what a difference a year makes!  (As if we didn't already know that.)  I can't believe it's been just over that much time since my last post, and just under that time since one of the craziest changes of my life.  A year ago this weekend, incredibly generous friends were helping us start packing the moving truck, even though they knew we were about to up and leave them.  Then some of us drove around looking at Christmas lights together, trying to enjoy a very fun event while inside my heart was breaking.  (Those of you in Seattle, go drive around our old neighborhood tonight...best. Christmas. light. display. ever.)

After that excruciatingly wonderful-yet-painful week, we loaded up our van, headed to southern CA for Christmas, and then on to our new life in West Virginia by way of KS...We pretty much drove from Canada to Mexico, and then from the west coast to the east coast.  Praise God we have such good travelers!  Through all of that, though, I remember feeling a sense of security I didn't feel when we moved to Seattle, which was ironically a direct result of Seattle.  Namely, I knew that because we'd survived that major change and been blessed through it, we could do the same again.

I never could have guessed just how right that would be, though!  The past year has had it's fair share of struggles, but also so much more goodness--and just plain DIFFERENT goodness--than I could have anticipated.

First, because it's the biggest highlight of my life this year: homeschooling.  (PLEASE NOTE, THIS IS WHAT I'M DESCRIBING FOR MY FAMILY, NOT WHAT I THINK WOULD BE BEST FOR ALL FAMILIES.)  It would be impossible to put all my thoughts, emotions, joys, and struggles in print...there's just too much.  The short of it, though, is that it's the realization of many yearnings God had put in my heart that I wasn't sure how to handle.  Over my past couple years in KS, I grew increasingly confused by the dichotomy of my pleasure and ability for working with all various ages of children, and not sure who that meant I should be serving with my gifts.  In Seattle, I kept inadvertently making friends with all these amazing homeschool families while struggling to connect with the families we met through the girls' school (not to discount the ones I really did love, though!).  I had long wanted various behaviors to become a part of our family's routine, but constantly felt like school kept us too busy and too separate from each other, and yet I personally was getting pretty bored with spending much of my day doing "nothing" while waiting to be available if the girls needed me.

So now?  Now we pray as a family every morning before we start school and before Shawn goes to work. We get to spend this time teaching our children how to speak from the heart to the very God who created those hearts, and let me tell you--they speak some pretty awe-inspiring words! Now my kids are getting an education tailored to exactly their level of readiness.  Now I'm getting to work with kids of varying age within my own home, and certainly don't have very many moments to feel bored (hence the lack of blogging).  My kids, although still typical siblings, have much deeper and kinder relationships with each other, like the homeschool families I met in Seattle.  Watching the two oldest become each others' BFFs is just so very cool.  Now I know my children like it as much as I do, even when some days we just want it done.  How do I know?  Because it's how they plan their own futures, and imitation is the greatest form of flattery, right?  The oldest's current life goal: to be a part-time vet who lives on a farm with many animals while having time to be a mom who homeschools her many children.  Lastly, if I do say so myself, we're really darn good at this.  Trust me, that came as somewhat of a surprise, but I've totally come to see that the innate gifts God created in me lead me to be able to very successfully trust my instincts about what's best for our homeschool.  Which, by the way, we named Sophia Catholic Homeschool... our motto is "instilling wisdom that bears faith, hope, and love." Sophia means wisdom, and there's a lesser known Saint Sophia, who was a holy mother that raised three holy daughters names Faith, Hope, and Charity.  :-)

The next major highlight: living and working at a retreat center and summer camp again.  This, too, has offered it's fair share of struggles, and there are many changes we are being called to make that has created its fair share of tension.  Overall, though, we're getting to be a part of the unique opportunity to grow Catholic youth ministry in an area of the country that hasn't seen it flourish yet the way other places have.  We get to offer our abilities towards forwarding programs already in place, and creating new ones from the ground up.  We get to work directly with teens and young adults who are thirsty for Christ.  We get to do this at the service of the poor.  We get to do this in collaboration with holy, fun, cool bosses and co-workers.  We get to do this as a WE.  I won't go into too much of a rant, but I won't shy away this time around from saying that I had no idea just how much my soul was hurting from the fact that in Seattle my children and I were not allowed to be a part of the great work that needed to happen simply because we were Shawn's family.  I don't think I'm something uniquely amazing, but I do see (now more so than ever) the gifts and experience that I can offer to the youth ministry world and that God didn't plan for me to do nothing with that.  He also didn't plan for us to be a family that allows one person being in ministry to cause separation, but rather for all of us to be committed together both in the labor and in the fruits of our labor.  I no longer have to see the hurt in my children's eyes when they're not allowed to be involved in what we proclaim to be the centrality of our lives, but rather to see them falling in love with Christ, building friendships with kids whose parents are doing the same work we are, to see them looking up to holy teens as witnesses.  Because they can experience all that, they understand WHY we work so hard for the job that we do, and they support us in the time we spend doing so.  It's amazingly simple that when the church supports them, we are more free to be devoted to supporting the church.  Last thought on this: between homeschooling age 3 through almost 10 and working with teens and young adults, oh, wait for it...I'm ministering to all ages!!!!  Holy moly, God's divinity is amazing!

So, are we happy?  As a family, yes.  In our work, yes.  Does it stop there?  No!  We are finding ourselves blessed with community, as well.  We love the friendships we've made in our diocese with other families in ministry.  We're so very grateful that in small-town America (a speed of life we mostly prefer and are happy to be back to), we've made friends through church and a MOPS group.  Although not as often as I think any of us would like, we DO have friends we enjoy getting together with and letting our kids play together while we enjoy adult conversation.  Most especially, though, we have felt immediate support for our every need throughout the whole year.  When we weren't sure what sure of our bearings in our new parish yet, an awesome family stepped forward and has been a blessing ever since.  When I felt like homeschool was going to be a fail simply for lack of community, God calmed my worries by simultaneously transplanting another homeschool family into our parish just 3 weeks after us, and through working together we've discovered just how many people around here ARE actually on this same journey and we're becoming a wonderful network.  When we went through one of the scariest experiences of our life with our car accident in February, we saw with such clarity how many people were ready to care for us after having been here such a short time--and did!  That could have been such a lonely time just one month into moving, and instead it was a time when blessing came through hardship.

Okay, now to mention a few other blessings I'd be remiss to keep quiet about: we have an amazing home, a really spectacular "back yard" (farm, swimming pool w/huge slide, zipline, two chapels, plenty of space to house guests, etc, etc) the combination of the roominess I love about KS and the mountain features I love about WA, four distinct seasons (the weather in Seattle is probably THE thing I will never miss), closer proximity to family and friends which has made for increased visits (albeit there will never be enough), getting to experience living history by being in the heart of Civil War territory, having the time and environment to develop new hobbies like tapping maple trees and boiling down our own maple syrup, and for having the time and means to put our kids in several extracurriculars that they've wanted to try for a long time but just didn't fit in the budget.  These are very worldly things, but things I'm grateful for none-the-less.

And now, I want to present one more aspect of our current life before wrapping up this behemoth.  The pace of life here has allowed one of my quieter, most personal dreams to come true, which is something I NEVER saw coming--truly this is "living the never".  Think for a minute, if you will, about some longing you have that is so strong and yet feels so silly, that is such a desire and yet something you often give very little thought to until the point that you don't give it due credit as a yearning written on the fabric of your soul by the only one who truly knows your whole soul.  For me, one of those things has been to be healthy and to have a healthy family.  When I lost my 52-yr-old father to poor health choices as just a 23-yr-old, I knew that was something I didn't ever want to go through again if I could in any way prevent it.  I'm not questioning God's plan to take Him home then, nor do I think I have the power to completely prevent it from happening to someone else, but I have become keenly aware that, as in all things, God has given us as humans the unique ability to reason what is best for our bodies.  He created them to be temples for our souls, and as such, we should treat them with great care.  So, where does life in WV come in?  Well after several years of thinking about this, having conversations about this, having heated debates with my husband about the hows and whys of what that means for him, and only doing a very mediocre job of this myself...my choices caught up with me.  This summer, I gained some weight at what a surprisingly-faster rate for me.  I knew two things right away.  One, getting older does happen--to all of us, darn it. ;-)  And two, that to be a person of virtue and integrity, I had no choice but to put my money where my mouth was.  So, when the school year started, I started getting up early (and another dream--wanting to be a morning person--came true), and going for a walk with a hint of jogging, offering it as prayer time free from the distractions of children, computers, etc.  I also went back to drinking pretty much just water (a habit I'd replaced with too much soda), cutting out processed foods and tuning into whole foods (a passion I developed more fully by exposure to such a healthy mindset in Seattle), and only cooking the foods for my family that are best for them instead of toning it down to make them happy.  You see, as the primary shopper and cook, I was the one with the control.

Now the miracles, which I know they are because it's only by the grace of God that all this has transpired.  First, I surprised myself by quickly being able to push myself into running instead of walk-jogging, and by going further and longer than I thought possible.  I did a sort of couch-to-5k of my own devising and stuck to it.  That's definitely something my 15-yr-old asthmatic, panting self never would NEVER have predicted!  Two, I started to really like it, and to consider myself an athlete...who knew.  Thirdly, and the part I'm most grateful for...of all the approaches I'd tried, how silly that I never thought to use my own example as incentive to finally get Shawn on board for real!!!!!  After about a month on my own, Shawn stared running with me (by his own choosing with not even a hint of request/expectation from me), but also one-upped me and started a food diary.  It's amazing what health can be accomplished when, as a team, you're tracking both exercise and food intake--when you have that accountability, that support, that mutual success...when you know that the person you're doing it with sees it as a path to virtue and holiness just as you do, and it happens to be THE very person you're most responsible for getting to Heaven.  Lastly, it led to crossing off a bucket list item I didn't know I even had: in November, we ran a 5k together!  My MOPS group hosted it, and it was a day I'll never forget.  First, our children participated in the fun run and were happy to be aware of the good they were doing for their bodies.  Then, we both ran for our best, and achieved our best.  In our very first race ever, I ran 5k in under 29 minutes, and Shawn ran it in under 26 minutes.  I NEVER thought to hope for anything that successful, and I praise God for what He can achieve in us when we open ourselves up to it.  We've continued the healthy lifestyle since, muddling through how to be successful as the weather turns nastier and the food of the holidays turns yummier.  I tell you, my friends...going for and achieving a deeply personal goal that you know is happening by the grace of God is one of the most sanctifying experiences possible.  So whatever it is, GO FOR IT!!!!!

So, a year in review.  Wow.  Are there days I still wish we could live closer to family?  Yep.  Do I begrudge the time and struggles God called us to in Seattle?  Absolutely not.  For one thing, we had a lot of fun there, were exposed to some amazing culture there, renewed a love of the outdoors there, and most especially made some incredible friends there that I still long for often.  Secondly, I see beyond any doubt how God knew exactly what He was doing when he called us to that time of preparation.  The difficulties at work made Shawn a more well-rounded person to be able to handle the difficulties here that sometimes mirror them.  The time there took me from a person who, to be honest, thought homeschool was a terrible idea and turned me into a person with a softened heart to be open to it.  You see, dear people, West Virginia has been the realization of, well, pretty much Heaven on earth for our family, but is a step we NEVER would have been willing to take straight from KS.  So, in this Advent season, this time of preparation to celebrate Christ's first coming and to anticipate His next coming, I see in a way I NEVER have before that there is so much joy in the waiting.  For since I know that waiting for Heaven will be even a million times more fruitful than waiting for this Heaven on earth has been, I can't help but bow humbly before a God so divine, so wise, so mighty, so merciful, so comforting, and so loving.

Peace be with you,
Anne

Definitely living the never...BIG changes for the Madden family!

If my 17-yr-old self had any idea she'd end up excited about the plans we're making and the changes we're embracing....well, she'd be FURIOUS!  Indeed the news I'm happy to share with you embodies several of my "never" statements.  I mean, seriously, I really should have known this was coming...

After 2 years of adventure in Seattle, we're excited to announce that God is calling our family to a new experience.  Shawn has accepted the position as Director of the Bishop Hodges Pastoral Center for the Diocese of Wheeling-Charleston in West Virginia...seriously, could somebody convince my husband to some day get a job that doesn't have the longest title ever?  Anywho...I digress.  Thankfully, a colleague who's there now had the insight to see that Shawn might be a really great fit for them and invited us to prayerfully discern.  We're so glad he did and SO looking forward to this new opportunity that will allow Shawn to use his gifts in a more hands-on way once again as he leads the staff and teens who attend their retreat center and summer camp programs, as well as hopefully have a large role in starting a newly-developing mission trip program that will be hosted from this facility and reach out to the good people of WV who are in great need of assistance.

As for family life, we're all incredibly excited to be returning to on-site retreat and camp life.  This is one aspect of life we have greatly missed since moving here--who would have guessed we'd miss it enough to now not only choose a rural life again, but one that still isn't all that close to the vast majority of our family in friends.  Crazy!  I personally am also looking forward to the chance to serve in ministry together with my husband again, another aspect of life that we haven't been able to see fulfilled here.  Doing ministry together is TOUGH, but is certainly so very good for our relationship with each other and with our Lord!  I've missed having a role in that world and have seen through being unable to be a part of it here that I have a deeply-rooted passion for camp and retreat ministry and find great joy in being God's instrument for conversion of hearts through these experiences--watch out teens, here I come!

Of course, and here comes another huge "never", I'll have to find some solid balance between potential work and the needs of my children since, as a part of this move, we've chosen to also embark on the homeschool journey!  WHOA.  Seriously, there was once a time I thought there was nothing worse you could possibly do to your children and now I'm so thrilled that while I've felt my heart softening to it for quite some time, I'm blessed enough to hear the Holy Spirit's voice whisper to me that now is the time.  I get to embrace, in that really special way, the full embodiment of being my children's primary educator.  So cool!!

I'm running low on writing steam and want to get this posted today.  That said, I'd be remiss to put it up and not express my great sorrow as well for the friendships we've made here that will take on a new incarnation now.  There are some truly amazing people in western WA who will always have a piece of my heart, all of you for a variety of reasons.  During our time here we've been incredibly blessed to always have the support we needed and people to keep us going in the tough ministry world that exists here on the west coast.  It was such a hard decision to be able to let go of the compulsion to want to stay here and keep fighting the good fight because I love you all so much that I felt like walking away would mean that we personally are letting you down.  Through some key conversations that gave good perspective to what the work here has been and would continue to be, and through lots of prayer and serious discernment, I've come to realize that if we're following the voice of God--and I believe with unwavering certainty we are--there is no way in which that can be a failure.  I see now that the good work Shawn has done here is a huge blessing to all the aforementioned people whom I care so much about, but that now is also the time God has chosen for us to move on.  My many thanks and much love to all of you!  You'll be in our prayers and hearts.

Here's to Living the Never--I have a feeling it's gonna be good!

Peace be with you,
Anne

Where, oh where did you go?

We're 3 weeks in to school now, and I was just curious if anyone could tell me where my summer went?  I'm still baffled that it's over!  Back in early June, we had a dinner conversation that centered around how we would fill the days spreading out before us.  You see, for a family used to having summer consumed by the joys--and challenges--of living the summer camp life, we still don't know what to do with a "typical" summer.  Do people really lounge on beaches and around pools, do people really stay in their pajamas all day, do people really take impromptu day trips?  As it turns out, in the end I still can't say what other people do; I just know we had a blast doing very little of those things.

Although school here doesn't get out until the middle of June, I really felt like our summer adventures started in May when Shawn's parents, brother, and niece all came for Ellie's First Communion.  It was an incredible weekend, most especially because of the Sacrament itself, and then also because we got to show them around the Seattle metro area and then go on an overnight to Whidbey Island (including a whale watching trip).  That was our second time there and both times I've been struck by how completely I feel the pacific northwest "vibe" when we're there.  The combination of forests, oceans, and general atmosphere are wonderful.  While we were there we also went to Sunday Mass, and having Ellie walk up with us and receive the Eucharist on that "ordinary" Sunday was a striking reminder that this weekly miracle we get to partake in is always EXTRAordinary.

Just after school got out, Shawn's family came back (parents and brother's whole family) and while the weather wasn't super cooperative--go figure, right?--we had a fantastic time.  Again we explored the metro area and such, but then...we took our first trip to Vancouver, Canada!  It's really fun living so close to the border and being to take our children on an international trip.  That said, it's so hard to accept that to them it seems like just another weekend trip--a cool one, mind you, but still a just short trip from home.  I wonder if years from now they'll understand how crazy awesome our adventures have been these last couple years because they're so easy to take, or will they have forgotten?  Or, will we still live here and they'll take it all for granted, finding awe instead in the rolling fields and thunderstorms of the midwest?

Fact: When you go anywhere in Seattle with this many children, you definitely get a TON of double takes!

After that, we spent several days coming and going from camp, where we had the blessing of getting to hang out with friends who said yes to growing the mission this year.  We are so grateful for these families who said yes to living the camp life because they love Jesus so much and want to share that love!  It was also during this time that we celebrated Independence Day, played a bunch of Kuub, enjoyed our neighborhood beach and park, let go of Ellie for a whole week of camp, sent the girls to day camp, and waffled constantly about whether or not we were really going to make a trip to KS this summer.

In the end, WE DID!  We made the final decision just 24 hours before we loaded in the van and left--yes, that's what I said--we drove from Seattle to KS this year.  And, believe it or not, getting there was half the fun.  We saw all the beauty and grandeur our national hymns refer to, we woke up in Big Sky, MT and spent a day in Yellowstone, we saw Mount Rushmore and meandered through the Badlands (while listening to Rich Mullins sing about it), we drove through a crazy storm, we wondered how we were going to get through a particular cliffwall that didn't appear to have a pass and then discovered a series of crazy serious switchbacks that took us to the top, drove across a 60+ mile plateau, and then took an even scarier series of switchbacks down again (this time in the dark).  And all of this before even reaching our destination!  Waiting for us in KS were some of the most wonderful days ever, including hanging out with cousins, going to the water park with Grammar and Aunt Josie, spending an evening with close friends, attending the Camp Tekakwitha reunion that my girls still haven't stopped talking about, etc, etc.  And, to top it all off, we left on a Saturday night at 11:00 pm, drove straight through 30 hours (truly stopping only for potty breaks, lunch, and dinner), and got home at 3:00 am Monday morning exhausted but happily safe--I emphasize the happy part because I'm still SO grateful for how easily we all handled that day...seriously, the girls were WONDERFUL!

Looking back at early August, I remember losing 2 miserable weeks to a couple of really bad rounds of Hand, foot and mouth disease.  On the other glorious hand, however, I also remember celebrating our 10th anniversary with the man of my dreams!  While I completely enjoy seeing everyone's re-declarations of love on such days through FB and other media (thank God for holy, lasting marriages!), it was also such a gift to feel like a thief secretly stealing that weekend away to keep just for ourselves.  We had a friend offer to keep the girls, so we got to enjoy a weekend of being deliriously in love--we went out to dinner, did some shopping, and then came home.  Who knew being at home--without kids--could be such a fantastic gift on your 10th anniversary!  We shared gifts and talked memories that, sorry folks, I still just want to cherish just in my heart, renewed our commitment to the future, and spent time remembering how great it is to be married to your best friend.  I am so grateful for that weekend that got to be just ours and that I know I'll never forget.

Ten Years!

Think I'm done?  Ha!  If so, you must not have ever read my other blog posts.  ;-)  For our final hurrah, we had the joy of having a dear friend come stay with us for over a week.  We played many games, had ordinary dinners at home, and (with a bit of hesitation for the inevitable coming season) set about the process of going through the back-to-school motions.  Funny, though, how these things are always more fun in the presence of a great friend!  We also took another trip to Vancouver and explored new adventures there, as well as revisited some we'd enjoyed before.  But for me, the best part came on the last weekend he was here, when we took a trip to the coast.  Living on the Puget Sound is very cool, don't get me wrong, but ever since moving here I've wanted to go out to the edge and stand where I could see nothing but ocean spreading out to the horizon--and finally going was SO worth it!  We arrived just in time to watch the sunset., which was amazing.  The pavement literally just ended at the sand, and given that according to WA state law coastal beaches are literally state highways, we just kept driving.  We parked our car facing west and drank in the view.  That was nothing, though, compared to the first moment we opened the car door and got a that first taste of fresh, ocean air...so amazing!  Thanks to Ellie and our friend, we found a perfectly whole sand dollar, which is one of those silly little secret dreams I've always had and never really thought would necessarily happen.  We walked through sand dunes from our hotel to the beach, we flew kites, we made sand castles (Gianna and Ellie were the flags), we walked miles of beaches collecting shells, we climbed the rocks of a jetty (being ever so careful not to disturb the anemones living in the crevices between), found a great, quaint interpretive center, and just had a generally great time.

My happy place!

It was a weekend that, even as an adult, was another first for me.  We've had so many firsts since moving here that when I think only about those, it's almost as if the last 2 years have been a really extended vacation. What a gift!  And yes, there have been some complicated strings attached, but I still readily accept it with gratitude for God's goodness.  Alas, school has started again, and I know there will be more time between our adventures for the foreseeable future, but that just makes me all the more grateful for this wonderful summer we've had.  Besides, in the words of one very smart Peter Pan, "to live (and die) would be an awfully big adventure."  Bring it on, then!

Here, There, and Yonder

Good gracious, I'm terrible at this whole keeping-up-with-a-blog thing!  When I realize the last time I did this was just over 3 months ago and my original goal was to do it on a regular basis delving into daily life, well, I sure wish intentions counted for something!!

Therefore, I offer two thoughts on how so long has passed with no blog post.  First, I've come to realize that as much as I LOVE writing, I want to spend time living my role in God's story of salvation even more than I want to write about it.  God has given Shawn and me four of the best gifts in the world--I'd even argue THE four best gifts--and I want to be abundant with my energy for them.  That means I need to use my "me" time cautiously so I then have that energy, and it means that I wouldn't feel good about taking time away from them to write about life with them.  And I definitely wouldn't want to take away from my time with Shawn, which has become something of a precious commodity these days.  Alas, excuse numero uno has been made.

Second, I offer to you the following: In February, Shawn and I dropped the girls off in KS and then went on to South Africa for 8 days to visit his sister (and family) who are there for 3-4 years. Although it was one of those trips that will go down in history as a comedy of errors--truly people, let me buy you a drink some time and provide you with a few good laughs--we also made memories for a lifetime, getting to see God's artwork in a totally new setting, and to see his face in a totally new culture.  Next, in March I was back in KS to go watch my mom in her first musical ever--she was amazing and inspired me, as she often does, to live fully! I figured that would be the end of my travels for a while, but then the family from Africa decided they would make their one trip back and we didn't want to miss a chance for the girls to see their cousins just once in 4 years so it was back to KS we went for a quick but wonderful Easter weekend. I have much gratitude for the ability to do all that, especially since the vast majority of our travels were opportunities provided to us as gifts.


That said, I was ready to come back and be "normal," whatever that is.  Instead, we had one friend from Ottawa come visit both in March and in April (first time for fun, second time b/c she was here for a conference anyway), and then a friend from college was here for almost a full week not too long ago.  While we're on the note of visitors, I did the math just a bit ago, and over the course of living here 17 months, we've had family and friends visit here at least 15 times. What?!?!  Again, I just want to praise the Lord in his graciousness for knowing how much staying connected to these people is a balm for my longing heart, and for helping me see that as I find great contentment when I'm "finally" in the company of these people I long for, I can only imagine the joy that will be complete when my longings to be in His presence are fulfilled!  Some people go with the "deer longs for water" analogy...I say how 'bout give the "Anne longs for her peeps" analogy a try!  ;-)


Okay, I digressed, but coming back to the point...we've been here, there, and yonder, and playing catch up in between (remember those things called school, work, and chores?) so blogging got to wait. I really do want to get to a point where it happens more often, if for no other reason than the fact that it's very cathartic for me.  However, I find myself getting caught sometimes thinking, "wouldn't that be a great blog post?" or "ooh, I need to get on the computer ASAP and make that my facebook status" and then realizing that by doing so I'd be abruptly ending the moment that's so noteworthy when instead I could continue reaping every possible bit of clarity it brings me.  Maybe someday in about 20 years I'll regret not typing out these precious stories, but today I feel Jesus is strongly calling me to get better at writing our story through my life and my actions, and not through my contributions to cyberspace.


I guess maybe I'll be back soon ( one can hope!), but on the other hand, we have family coming to visit again to help us celebrate a birthday, but most especially to celebrate our oldest daughter's First Communion!!!  Now there's a story worth writing--and I mean writing by living.  Seriously, could there be any greater moment on earth (for a married woman) than to come forward in unity with one's own child, husband at your side, to receive the Holy Eucharist?!?!?!  There are simply no words right now to describe how humbly excited I am, so stay tuned...maybe by then I'll have gotten over my current tendency to get choked up just even at the mere thought of it!


Peace be with you,
Anne
:) * +

A Year of Gratitude

Tomorrow is my 31st birthday and as I contemplate the time between now and when I turned 30--which was supposed to be a landmark--I feel myself more in awe now than I did then.  You see, it's been just over one year since our Seattle adventure was beginning and as I look back, we have so much to be thankful for.  As I look forward, I find myself waiting as patiently as possible to see what another year here will hold, to see what God's vision for our family is.  As I live in the here and now, I *try* to take each moment as it comes and not get caught up in either remembering what's been or seeking for answers to what will be--some days I live this better than others.

First, my litany of things for which I've developed a renewed, more keen appreciation over the past year.  I think I have to lead off with thanking God for the beauty of the foundation set for Shawn and I in our married life.  To have come from solid families, to have met each other at a solid Catholic college (go BC!) where we made solid Catholic friends, and then to be so very blessed to spend the first 8 years of our marriage at Prairie Star Ranch...a person couldn't ask for much more.  I can say with honesty that for the most part we also took time to appreciate those things as they came, too, but now I can appreciate them in a different way as I wonder if I'd be strong enough to gracefully handle our current life if it wasn't for all the many ways our family was formed by our initial life.  I hope and pray that the work we're doing here will develop in Seattle a community of believers set vibrantly on fire, but in this absence we're currently living of such a community as I know is possible, I am ever more grateful to draw on our previous years for strength.  For many Masses, concerts, rallies, etc, etc, that gave my children a love of Christian music that lives on, even if the only place they hear it very often is the radio and me singing the songs running through my head.  For the wisdom of really holy couples with more experience leading Shawn and I by example.  For the opportunity to have our whole life wrapped up in ministry both through PSR, Camp Tekakwitha, and Sacred Heart YM that has set a precedence for how we want our life to look and how wonderfully the Holy Spirit will move when you allow it.  For our past, I am most definitely grateful.

Now, however, to reflect on the gratitude I have not only for what's been, but for what IS.  First, because this year has confirmed my belief in a God who IS.  Period.  Gratitude for a God who's divine plan is not just to create, but to tend His creation with abundant love and mercy.  I've seen this many ways this past year.  I humbly, then, offer to my caretaker, all my gratitude for a sense of contented peace that was seriously lacking one year ago.  At that time, I was just pleased for each day that I didn't feel like I was sinking, for when the smallest victories outnumbered the major setbacks.  Today, I celebrate the feeling that I can actually tread water and sometimes even swim through our daily life--mind you, I am keenly aware, this only occurs by the grace of God!

Over the past year, we've made more friendships than I could have ever hoped for, and with people in so many different walks of life that I feel each unique relationship feeding different parts of my soul that were longing for nourishment one year ago.  For other moms to pray rosary with, for their families to celebrate Church feast days with, for other parents of preschoolers to laugh at toddler antics with, for other young adult friends who bring me balance and remind me I'm only 31 when most of these other friends are 5-20 years older than us--for all of these people and more, I'm beyond grateful.

Added to this, I want to reflect on the journey of going back to being a stay-at-home mom.  Said journey has definitely felt a bit like being on a roller coaster, with high points and exhilaration from fulfillment in being so involved with my children and running our home, but also with times when it felt like I was slowly climbing inches only to then feel like the bottom had dropped out as I struggled to be me, to recognize who I, as a daughter of God, am--to be my unique self and not just "wife" or "mom".  Yet, when I step off the ride for this moment and reflect objectively, I have zero doubt that it's the best ride ever and I can't wait to get back on.  Thank you, Lord Jesus, that for now at least, I'm able to do just that!!

Next, I couldn't not offer my gratitude for our new parish and school, St. Monica's.  It is--as is any parish--imperfect, and it does--as does any parish--have it's own dramas unfolding at any given time.  That said, the open arms of hospitality offered to our family when we desperately needed it has brought me a renewed hope for the Catholic churches and schools of western WA.  For 3 brief weeks, we were actually a proclaimed home-school family for this year because we were so tired of schools that were nominally "Catholic" but in actuality were focused on being private.  We were at a loss for church itself, since we were struggling to find a home that was both orthodox AND vibrant (I know, I know we're picky....).  That said, announcing our intent to home-school became an issue not because of other's judgement about that plan, but because our own feeling of unease was too much to ignore.  Now, my children attend a school where our Catholic faith is proclaimed and lived as a much more primary focus, they're in classrooms where all the children interact because their parents aren't creating nasty cliques, and they are satisfied and settled with life in general.  We go to Mass on Sundays at a parish where they get to see all of these same people--who, I should note, almost all stick around every single week for the biggest donuts and coffee gathering I've ever been a part of.  While at this Mass, we sit in the midst of families whose children may or may not be making just as much noise as our own and we all try our hardest but feel grateful that even in the stickier moments people aren't pushing us to shoo our children off to the nursery, but rather to include them in the liturgy and help them grow up in that setting.  And, believe it or not, in such a setting, my children have become the most well behaved they've ever been in Mass--go figure! ;-)  To cap a short-story-made-long, let's just say I'm grateful for a parish and school community that feel like they could be home for a while if God so chooses for us, and not just a place to pass some time until we can find something better.

On a different venue, I can't help but take pause to mention how totally filled with joy my heart is when I think back on the many new experiences we've had this year.  I LOVE MOUNTAINS...I do, it's true.  Wandering through deciduous rain forests nestled high within them, watching the sun rise and set over them when coming to and fro our new school, sharing the memory of when we got caught in a blizzard while driving the pass between a few of them, camping atop them with friends, sledding with their peaks for a backdrop, marveling at their ability to hide behind cloud cover...they. are. so. great.  So, while I can't help but for part of me to wish that maybe someday God will call us back to KS, I wonder if maybe some how we could bring them with us, as they've moved towards the top of my list of things that easily remind me of His majesty.  Also: fish market, space needle, ocean, boat locks, quaint Bavarian mountain village, ancient trees, aquarium, ferry rides, etc, etc, etc....I could list so many more, but we'd all get bored.  Let's just say it's been a year of new, and it's been fun!

Last but not least, I most especially know that there is no greater birthday gift on earth than to be with Shawn and the girls as we wait together in joyful anticipation of the heavenly life that's been promised to us when we'll get to party with Jesus, Angela, Hilary, and all the saints, Saints, and angels.  Our nuclear family has taken on a much great significance this year as we've often had only each other to rely on, and I've got to say...these are some VERY cool people I'm livin' with!  Laughing together at our own silliness, overcoming fears together, caring for one another, praying together, learning to ride bikes and swim, becoming a diaper-free house for the present, moments of magnitude and miracle, but also moments of minutia or uncertainty...for each and every one I am grateful because through it all I have a God who loves me and who never leaves me.  What more could a 31-year-old girl ask for?

Peace be with you,
Anne
:) * +

Surprised....twice.

Welcome back to Living The Never.  If it's popped into your mind, maybe you've wondered why I bothered to start a blog almost 3 months ago and then never bother to write in it?  As it happens, I don't like to write anything that feels false, and anything I would have written up to now would have felt as such.  Let me attempt to explain and see how it goes as I write.  Fair warning, I'm going to write honestly and openly so I apologize in advance if my humanity isn't pretty.  No one's perfect, right?  Come, Holy Spirit...

I think the easiest place to begin is the beginning.  You see, when I wrote my four-part intro to my blog 3 months ago, it originally had an additional paragraph at the end.  A paragraph that 2 days into my 4-day series I had to, for my emotional preservation, take out and leave for a later day or maybe for never at all.  Here is that paragraph for you now:

"... I now also have some joyful news to share: God believes us capable of even more expanded hearts, more crowded bedrooms, another leaf in the table, and, my "worst fear" realized...perhaps a suburban SUV.  That's right, my friends, we're having another baby!!!! :)  I'll be the first to admit I never expected God would call us this direction at this time, but I feel very confident in His guiding hand and will try to follow Mary's example of changing the world by saying YES!  Little child of mine, I can't promise you many things for absolute certain, but I can say this much: you will be so very loved and cherished--not only by your Creator, but also by the family that's so blessed to have you.  We'll laugh together, cry together, sometimes fail together, and hopefully more often than not, follow the will of God together so that we can end up in Heaven together."

Yes, my friends, Shawn and I are now the parents to a sixth child!  It was very much a surprise, which was a new experience for us and one that didn't sit entirely comfortably at first.  I was really, really, really content with four children--it just seemed so perfect for now.  I never doubted that God would provide for another person in our house, but had to work on adjusting my selfish lines of thinking...I discovered that one of my imperfections is that it was a lot easier to speak about a culture of life than to live it out in MY own life.

It is, however, with a heavy heart, that I continue the story.  As it turns out, through the grace of God, I found myself completely capable of falling in love with my youngest child in very short time and accepting the changes that would be necessary to make room for that love.  And so, 2 days into starting my blog, Shawn and I headed to the doctor for our first ultrasound with plans to tell the girls that night about their new sibling and share with everyone on the world wide web at the conclusion of my blog 2 days later.  Sadly, instead we came home crushed, confused, overwhelmed (for the second time in less than a month), and numb.  Who knew the words, "this isn't a viable pregnancy" could hurt so much, even when delivered with such compassion?  Who knew that losing a baby you weren't sure you wanted in the first place could be such a blow to the heart?  Who knew that when God has stretched you farther than ever before and you've come to peace with it, there could be more stretching to come so very soon?

Instead of sharing joy, we were now grieving loss...and grieving loss silently except for the amazing support of closest friends and family.  Talking about miscarriages isn't comfortable for most people in the world and much as I wanted to scream, "THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!" and tell everyone why, the rational side of me knew regret would follow that.  So, instead we simply omitted the last paragraph of my blog intro, waited 5 days to be sure, gave the girls a very overly-simplified explanation of why Mommy had to go spend an afternoon at the hospital, picked ourselves up and started life at a new school and parish just 2 days later.  Inside I was churning, aching, feeling guilty that I was also a little relieved (all those details wouldn't have to be figured out now), and lonely. There I was in the midst of a new community of people I was hoping would become new friends, and the only intro that kept running through my head was, "hi, I'm Anne and I just lost my baby to miscarriage."  Probably not a very good lead off, huh?  So, we kept it to ourselves and tried to be as authentically joyful as possible for the girls' sake and again, for self-preservation.

After time, we came to a sense of being able to tell the girls with joy and peace about their youngest sibling...to be able to speak the name Hilary Francis Madden.  There's some line of thinking that maybe since I was only 8 weeks pregnant it's not an important enough event for them to need to know.  While I do agree they don't need to know, I also accept that I can't authentically stand up and say I believe in the soul of each conceived human if I deny this one's dignity because life was so very brief.  And so now, thanks to our belief in the communion of saints, Ellie, Maria, Gianna, and Meg feel a little sadness for not getting to hold Hilary but they also get the special blessing of getting to be in relationship now with their oldest AND youngest siblings who are both in Heaven--the blessing of the opportunity to love and be loved.  Their easy acceptance of this new soul in Heaven is a beautiful witness to having faith like a child!

Throughout the course of dealing with this--which I'm not even close to done with--I've had moments I'm really proud of and moments that I'll have a hard time ever forgiving myself for.  I've had moments of clear rationality and moments that I've later seen were times that I let the devil dance in my head and fill me with doubt.  I hope some day I'll stop questioning if we did everything we could, if we waited long enough to allow God to work a miracle if He had wanted to, if we prayed hard enough and subsequently entrusted ourselves to those prayers well enough, if "100% miscarriage" was really truly the truth.  I hope some day I'll be able to speak to Hilary and not feel compelled to lead off with, "I'm sorry I failed you."  But I also realize that I need to work through those feelings and truly accept the love and forgiveness Jesus is offering and remember that we DID pray our way through it, and we DID push for certainty from our doctor before acting, and we DID act in the best way we knew how.  So, my weakness now is in letting the devil fill me with all those doubts, in giving any time to those thoughts when I know that even if--IF--we failed in any one piece of that, God loves us still, loves us now, loves us always.  It's not our perfection in thought and action that will get us to Heaven to live eternally with Jesus and Hilary, and everyone else, but rather it's HIS perfection that covers us in grace and mercy if only we accept it.

Do I think I'm the first woman to have these kinds of thoughts after a miscarriage?  Absolutely not.  I don't think my story is anything unique or special.  I don't think my grief and pain compare, perhaps, to that of a parent who loses a child at birth or to a car accident...but then, it isn't about comparisons, is it?  It's about wrapping ourselves in the love, peace, strength and forgiveness of our Heavenly Father.  It is through the beautiful example of friends who've shared similar experiences and told their story that I have courage to write this today, that I have the courage to be completely and openly pro-life.  I hope that in sharing my story maybe I'm paying it forward--maybe I'm reminding you to take heart and find comfort in a life committed to God.  I'm also asking not for your pity, but for your prayers in joy and thanksgiving for another soul, another life--for Hilary Francis.  I'm asking you to celebrate with me, so that I, too, might remember to celebrate God's divine plan.  Vitae Victoria Erit--Life will be victorious!!!!