LIVING.

You know that kid Alexander who has a children's book about the kind of day he often has?  I know how he feels.  This morning sure started out like one of those days. So, let's see...this happened:

     - I ignored the only alarm set in the house to get us to church on time, as did everyone else.  And since, well....five kids = way too long since last shower....ahem....showering wasn't optional for me, and thus we were doomed to Sunday school tardiness.

     - I attempted to get closer to the open window in our bathroom while straightening my hair because, well...five-month-old = hormones still raging = hot flashes = thought I was gonna pass out and die....and in the process of taking the hair straightener with me, I unknowingly allowed the cord to catch on my nearly-full mug of coffee, which it dumped all over our bathroom counter and everything on it.  Fear not...I saved both my phone and the love notes the 6-yr-old had left me.  As for everything else, well....some people pay good money to have things smell so coffeehouse-esque, right?

     - The baby, who has the most uncanny ability to have a blow out diaper every single Sunday morning no matter what we do (waiting to put on church clothes until the last minute doesn't work, she'll just wait, too) actually didn't fill her britches.  Instead, she fell asleep on the 5-minute drive from Walmart to church (we grocery shop during Sunday school, what a date, huh?) so we left her in her carseat to encourage the nap.  Alas, she woke up the second we stepped into church.  All was well, though, because she was more than happy to chill in said carseat and quietly, contentedly play.  When it came time for the homily, I had the 10-yr-old preemptively take her out so she wouldn't be a disruption, and as soon as she had her, we exchanged the, "oh, no, that smell can't mean anything good" look.  Before dashing for the bathroom, I did a check of her clothes to make sure of no leakage, grabbed the wipes and a diaper and took off.  What am I, a ROOKIE????  Seriously, I should know better.  Yes, folks, by the time I got there, blow out was an understatement.  *Sigh* *Laugh at self* *Accept and get creative* Fortunately, it somehow missed all but a tiny spot on her onesie, attacking instead her skirt and tights, so after much cleaning, rinsing, wiping, whimpering (me), and giving of gummy smiles (her), we thankfully didn't have to re-enter church with her completely naked...just mostly.  Of course, naturally we didn't have the back-up church outfit packed like we've started doing (did I mention this is a thing?) because, well, that whole alarm clock thing, and the backup outfits I usually keep in the diaper bag are ones I've been meaning to switch out because they no longer fit.  So, on with the socks and let the baby rock the "my parents take me to church in a onesie and socks" look...in January.  Yep, rookie mistake.  Rookie.

On the other hand, this happened, too:

     - The almost-12-yr-old helped the very particular and volatile 6-yr-old peacefully pick out a very normal-ish outfit to wear to church and thanks to big sister's suggestion of the addition of a scarf that was promptly discarded as soon as we got there, no one got huffy.  This is a rare Sunday, folks.

     - The 11-yr-old happily switched from almost getting to hold the baby during Mass (a prize often fought over by 6 people!) to snuggling the previously noted, volatile 6-yr-old who got dumped from my lap so I could make my diaper dash, and they were both happy about it.

     - The 8-yr-old served during Mass and didn't pick her nose once, use the tassles on her belt once as characters in some amazing story, or skip very much at all from place to place. We've come so far!

     - Shawn picked up a lot of unmentioned pieces along the way in this story and still loves me, even though I spewed a whole lot of crazy all over this morning, and if I'm lucky even still likes me. We managed to recover from the crazy and have a fun time on our date to Walmart.  Plus the baby was super cute, sitting up all big and steady in the cart all by herself, back when she was still wearing the aforementioned church clothes.

     - The Mass readings were spot on and gave me a general sense of peace about some ongoing worries.

     - We got to go out to lunch with our incredible parish priest and some good friends, a good time was had by all, and children mostly behaved very well.

     - I'm actually making a priority of getting this written right now, which is an ongoing goal and hasn't happened in over a year, because the baby has recently figured out how to self entertain for bits at a time, the next two are enjoying(ish) each other's company as they play some kind of house game--or at least amicably arguing over who's going to be who, and the two eldest (with the help of Daddy) are rearranging their room after getting to re-paint it this weekend (a Christmas present that actually happened just over a month out, not bad!).

So, why after over a year is this what I finally choose to write about?  Because when I set out on the endeavor to be a blogger, not just "have a blog" that never gets written, I intended it to be about the every day, the ordinary, the comical, the thoughtful....all of it.  In little snatches, and occasional bigger glimpses.  In joy and frustration.  In mom moments, in daughter-of-God moments, in camp director moments, in homeschool moments...in whatever I wanted.  Instead, I do it so rarely that it feels daunting and like whatever I say has to be amazing.  It has to explain the depth of the MEANING of living the never rather than the LIVING of living the never.  And I want to just write.  To have fun penning the story of our LIVING.

It doesn't hurt that, as you can see from this post, I'm, well....wordy.  Quite wordy.  As so it may have come to pass that people who know me well have suggested that several of my Facebook statuses could BE blog posts, and so maybe I should just do that when those moments strike....instead of writing "blog posts" that are more like epic sagas.  We can all chase foolish dreams, right?

I'm grateful for those people, and for their nudges to make this a thing.  Now I can say I've written at least one post about LIVING the never. Next time maybe I'll even be succinct.

Peace,
Anne

PS, if you haven't seen the movie that came out last year about Alexander, you really should.  It's super cute, hilariously on point about the trials that can come up while also hilariously exaggerating a tad, and it speaks a beautiful message about family holding it all together.  Like them, I'd live all the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days if I get to keep living them with my tribe.  Because, well, mine's the best.

Pro-life...being love to one another ALWAYS.

Today, over 500,000 people are peacefully attending the March for Life in DC, not to mention the countless others doing the same at the state and local level all over our nation.  And yet, our media will almost completely ignore them.  How sad that freedom of speech only extends to those that speak the way you want them to.

Today, some will continue to use the term "pro-life" as a defense of only the unborn.  Albeit they are the very most defenseless and need our voices, but so, too, do those moms and dads struggling to know what to do with an unplanned pregnancy, those struggling through the honorable choice they've made, and those struggling with regret.  So, too, do the sick and dying that our society says we should go ahead and get rid of.  So, too, do the impoverished, the ostracized, the mentally ill, the ones who are different from us, and even the ones who are imprisoned because they've hurt us.  How sad that our culture of death extends not just to the unborn, but to the lack of love in action that comes from being a relativistic, selfish society.

Today, I wonder how many people throughout the course of my current (planned) pregnancy will make ignorant statements about the number of children I'm going to have, whether we got pregnant as one more attempt for a boy (as if my girls aren't EVERYTHING God and we want them to be), if we know how this happens, etc, etc, etc.  How sad that we live in a society that says "don't judge" and yet won't hesitate to do just that to us in a way that is very anti-life.

Today, I hurt for the women and men who want to be pregnant and can't.  I hurt for the women who suffer greatly through pregnancy.  I hurt for the women and men who are exhausted because they have young children.  I hurt for the women and men who have teen and adult children making unfortunate choices beyond their parents' control.  I hurt for the parents who've grieved a child lost in pregnancy or beyond.  How sad that each of these will question their own worth, and many won't have someone to reassure them of their own inherent dignity and walk with them through this time of trial, let alone live in a society that builds up the family in all its crazy ages and stages.

Today, I wonder how we can have so many systems and yet fail to connect those in need of love with those yearning to love.  While opening ourselves to growing our family through pregnancy, we also earnestly explored the options of fostering and adoption.  My heart broke for all the numerous older children in need of foster and adoption that just get pushed around instead, and that I hope once our current children are older we will still be able to help.  How are we as a society not loving their parents in an intentional, proactive enough way to give them the strength to step up to the plate?!  How are we so unaware of the foster parents doing the best they can for these kids and suffering through the hurt of watching them come and go from painful situations rather than adamantly supporting and honoring these adults for taking on such a courageous role?  How sad that in any neighborhood in any corner of our nation, we easily overlook this group of kids and adults that we're setting up for failure.

Today, I grieve for never getting to meet the birth mom and baby that we had hoped to welcome into our life and got turned down because "we're not what birth moms are looking for."  A.K.A. we already have too many other kids to be considered as an adoptive family.  Never mind the incredible back yard and community we could offer them, the siblings who were prayerfully hoping for them, the excitement we had to permanently welcome not only the child but also the mom into our family.  Through the avenue we prayerfully felt called to, the birth moms are specifically looking for open adoption, and we humbly wanted to walk that journey with one of them, knowing our own hearts would be the ones to have the most to be grateful for in the end.  How sad that our society shames and denies those of us that aren't just "breeding like rabbits" (yeah, I decided to go there before someone else could) but rather desire so deeply to grow a big, beautiful family.

Today, I am saddened that in so many ways we disregard that which is most fundamental, namely the dignity of ALL human life.  Yes it's messy, yes it's painful, yes it's hard.  But if we infused some real, active love more fully back into this world instead of settling for this culture of non-interfering tolerance we've become, then all of us would have each other for community in those rough times, as well as for celebration in the joyful times.

So today, although I am saddened, I am also full of HOPE.  HOPE that those marching for life will be seen not as judgmental, but as full of love.  HOPE that we will become a culture of life that dignifies all human souls...every single one.  HOPE that we will become a people that support each other so fully that every pregnancy, even those that are undesired, will have a safe haven and the opportunity for a life lived to the fullest, from natural womb to natural tomb.  HOPE that we will be a people who lift up those among us that, while they were initially given the chance at life, have never been given reason to believe it's worth living.  HOPE that we will give them that reason still, no matter their stage in life.  HOPE that we can continually forgive one another, because inevitably even when we try, it's not gonna be perfect.  HOPE that conviction will reign true within my own heart and soul, and in the depths of every soul, that we will be a culture that can't help but be a people of loving action.  Come, Holy Spirit, come!

Peace be with you,
Anne
:) * +

The Shocking Truth

Confession: In the past 10 years, March 6th has more often than not come and gone with far less emotion that I would have expected.  Several years I have thought, "Dad died on this day, shouldn't I feel extreme....well, SOMETHING today?!?!"  That's not to say it's a date I could ever forget, more so that it just wasn't always intense like I would have thought it would be for someone like me; and of course, for someone like me, if anything that brought on extreme guilt.

Thus, coming up on the 10th anniversary of one of the most painful days of my life, I was anticipating that I would again feel thoughtful and yet relatively unaffected.  Imagine, then, my complete shock and surprise as for almost a month now I've been feeling extreme sorrow, sadness, joy, loneliness, gratitude, etc, etc. all on account of acknowledging that we've been 10 years without him.  Is something as simple as the number 10 enough to cause a different response?

A week ago, in a moment of clarity that came while running (get out and do whatever you've been meaning to, you'll love what happens!), I realized of course not.  Of course it had nothing to do with 10.  Rather, it had to do with healing that can only come from true and complete forgiveness.

Ten years is a lot of time to reflect back on your relationship with someone.  And, as would happen with any relationship, I saw a lot of beauty, and I also saw a lot of pain.  Those we're closest to have a great power over us, and sometimes that moves us in a beautiful direction while others it holds us captive.  As time has passed since Dad's death, I've struggled with increasingly conflicted emotions as I would remember what an amazing soul he was (is), how much he loved me, how much he taught me, and how much good he offered the world, while also remembering the ways I feel like he let me down, the parts of him that didn't even come close to living up to the perfect pedestal we want to be able to put our parents on, and the parts of him that seemed in direct contradiction to the deeply spiritual faith he was passing on to me.  Unfortunately, being a person who fully realizes the world is a messy business but also being a person who wants order in all things is really difficult.  And unfortunately, it left me feeling (not thinking or believing, just feeling) the worst things outweighed the best.  Additionally, the adult mind is also fully capable of realizing that the child's memory isn't always most accurate, and so then I would just wonder what truth was even really true.

Praise God, our creator knows His daughter, and He knows my father's daughter (my dad liked order almost as much as I do).  About the time all this probably could have boiled over whenever I allowed myself to give it thought and acknowledge the frustrated and uncertain feelings I didn't want to have, my mom was here for a visit and as can often happen during late night hours, we got into a very serious and reflective conversation about our family.  I got to ask questions that were deep in my soul to the person who held the gift of adult perspective on my childhood.  And, considering that since that conversation I've come to a place of true forgiveness, you'd tend to guess that she was able to clarify my confusions and heal my hurts.  Surprisingly, it was to the contrary.  In that conversation, she actually confirmed my hurts--confirmed the "ugly" aspects of our life, if you will.  And I won't lie, for a while that left me reeling.  Oh, I was MAD...boy was I mad!  But the thing of it is, by facing those hurts dead on (no terrible pun intended), by giving them due credit, and by trusting my memory to be accurate even in the moments I didn't want it to be, I was forced to spend time with it and truly decide what to do about it.

It turns out, one of the things my parents passed on to me is a forgiving nature--as parents like The Father do.  It's been almost a year, and several daily runs (have I mentioned that's when I do my best thinking?  Go do what you're holding back on!), since that conversation.  Through that time to think, I've realized it takes too much energy to be so hurt by those difficulties when what I want is to have back my really close relationship with a man who, in spite of being flawed (aren't we so totally all!), loved me, provided for me, and formed me through both his negative AND his positive qualities.  I'm not foolishly trying to put him on that pedestal again, rather accepting him as the human he was and falling back in love with the soul he is.  He is my dad, my hero, and my personal soundtrack contributor (truly nothing makes me joyfully tear up faster than hearing certain songs at church that conjure up such clear pictures of him making beautiful harmony with his guitar and a sparkle in his eye, my incredible mother by his side).  He was the first man who taught me what it was like to be looked at with love and pride, to make me feel like all the world was right, to believe that I could be who God created me to be.

So 10 years later, I ache for missing him more than pretty much, well....ever.  I would NEVER wish it any differently for it's not ours to choose, but rather ours to trust in God's design.  Who knows what else would be changed if it wasn't for that loss.  Instead, I choose gratitude for being able to accept, and to celebrate his complete humanness.  He wasn't perfect, but he did teach me to offer yourself into God's perfection--a love that covers all flaws.

Here's what my dad wrote to us in a card on the day of our oldest daughter's birth, just 3 weeks before he was called home:


"Happy Birth-day to you!  As the sun warms the earth so fully on this late winter day February 14, 2004, it also warms my grandpa bones deeply...and I feel the creator's heat of passion.  Today, the development of life seems inevitable, given the ubiquitousness of this passion for His creations.  This is only matched by the equally miraculous complexity of the creative process that we come to take for granted early on in our lives.  Occasionally, events bestir this complacency enshrouding us, just as the snow and ice give way to the solar power.  My own faith, hope, and love have been 're-heated' by my granddaughter's birth-day...and I will hold you two responsible! Thank you for carrying on the Creator's gift of life for us all. Love, 'Grammar' and 'Poppy'"

I am blessed!

Peace be with you,
Anne
:) * +

School is out, CHRISTMAS is almost in!

Happy Advent to you!  A little poetic entertainment that came to me during my run after completing our last day of school for this calendar year.....

School's out, no need to fear.

At our house now, it's Christmas cheer.

No more grammar, no more math,

Science and history bring no more wrath.

With all this behind us, we can now wait in joy,

To celebrate the coming of Mary's sweet baby Boy.

He saved us from sin and let Love enter in,

And even now His birthday saves us again.

For we get a break, time to pray and to rest,

Focus on family and take not a single test!

Yes homeschool is real, and honestly quite fun,

But for 2013, friends, we are now...DONE!

Peace be with you,

Anne

:) * +

"Almost Heaven....West Virginia!"

Oh what a difference a year makes!  (As if we didn't already know that.)  I can't believe it's been just over that much time since my last post, and just under that time since one of the craziest changes of my life.  A year ago this weekend, incredibly generous friends were helping us start packing the moving truck, even though they knew we were about to up and leave them.  Then some of us drove around looking at Christmas lights together, trying to enjoy a very fun event while inside my heart was breaking.  (Those of you in Seattle, go drive around our old neighborhood tonight...best. Christmas. light. display. ever.)

After that excruciatingly wonderful-yet-painful week, we loaded up our van, headed to southern CA for Christmas, and then on to our new life in West Virginia by way of KS...We pretty much drove from Canada to Mexico, and then from the west coast to the east coast.  Praise God we have such good travelers!  Through all of that, though, I remember feeling a sense of security I didn't feel when we moved to Seattle, which was ironically a direct result of Seattle.  Namely, I knew that because we'd survived that major change and been blessed through it, we could do the same again.

I never could have guessed just how right that would be, though!  The past year has had it's fair share of struggles, but also so much more goodness--and just plain DIFFERENT goodness--than I could have anticipated.

First, because it's the biggest highlight of my life this year: homeschooling.  (PLEASE NOTE, THIS IS WHAT I'M DESCRIBING FOR MY FAMILY, NOT WHAT I THINK WOULD BE BEST FOR ALL FAMILIES.)  It would be impossible to put all my thoughts, emotions, joys, and struggles in print...there's just too much.  The short of it, though, is that it's the realization of many yearnings God had put in my heart that I wasn't sure how to handle.  Over my past couple years in KS, I grew increasingly confused by the dichotomy of my pleasure and ability for working with all various ages of children, and not sure who that meant I should be serving with my gifts.  In Seattle, I kept inadvertently making friends with all these amazing homeschool families while struggling to connect with the families we met through the girls' school (not to discount the ones I really did love, though!).  I had long wanted various behaviors to become a part of our family's routine, but constantly felt like school kept us too busy and too separate from each other, and yet I personally was getting pretty bored with spending much of my day doing "nothing" while waiting to be available if the girls needed me.

So now?  Now we pray as a family every morning before we start school and before Shawn goes to work. We get to spend this time teaching our children how to speak from the heart to the very God who created those hearts, and let me tell you--they speak some pretty awe-inspiring words! Now my kids are getting an education tailored to exactly their level of readiness.  Now I'm getting to work with kids of varying age within my own home, and certainly don't have very many moments to feel bored (hence the lack of blogging).  My kids, although still typical siblings, have much deeper and kinder relationships with each other, like the homeschool families I met in Seattle.  Watching the two oldest become each others' BFFs is just so very cool.  Now I know my children like it as much as I do, even when some days we just want it done.  How do I know?  Because it's how they plan their own futures, and imitation is the greatest form of flattery, right?  The oldest's current life goal: to be a part-time vet who lives on a farm with many animals while having time to be a mom who homeschools her many children.  Lastly, if I do say so myself, we're really darn good at this.  Trust me, that came as somewhat of a surprise, but I've totally come to see that the innate gifts God created in me lead me to be able to very successfully trust my instincts about what's best for our homeschool.  Which, by the way, we named Sophia Catholic Homeschool... our motto is "instilling wisdom that bears faith, hope, and love." Sophia means wisdom, and there's a lesser known Saint Sophia, who was a holy mother that raised three holy daughters names Faith, Hope, and Charity.  :-)

The next major highlight: living and working at a retreat center and summer camp again.  This, too, has offered it's fair share of struggles, and there are many changes we are being called to make that has created its fair share of tension.  Overall, though, we're getting to be a part of the unique opportunity to grow Catholic youth ministry in an area of the country that hasn't seen it flourish yet the way other places have.  We get to offer our abilities towards forwarding programs already in place, and creating new ones from the ground up.  We get to work directly with teens and young adults who are thirsty for Christ.  We get to do this at the service of the poor.  We get to do this in collaboration with holy, fun, cool bosses and co-workers.  We get to do this as a WE.  I won't go into too much of a rant, but I won't shy away this time around from saying that I had no idea just how much my soul was hurting from the fact that in Seattle my children and I were not allowed to be a part of the great work that needed to happen simply because we were Shawn's family.  I don't think I'm something uniquely amazing, but I do see (now more so than ever) the gifts and experience that I can offer to the youth ministry world and that God didn't plan for me to do nothing with that.  He also didn't plan for us to be a family that allows one person being in ministry to cause separation, but rather for all of us to be committed together both in the labor and in the fruits of our labor.  I no longer have to see the hurt in my children's eyes when they're not allowed to be involved in what we proclaim to be the centrality of our lives, but rather to see them falling in love with Christ, building friendships with kids whose parents are doing the same work we are, to see them looking up to holy teens as witnesses.  Because they can experience all that, they understand WHY we work so hard for the job that we do, and they support us in the time we spend doing so.  It's amazingly simple that when the church supports them, we are more free to be devoted to supporting the church.  Last thought on this: between homeschooling age 3 through almost 10 and working with teens and young adults, oh, wait for it...I'm ministering to all ages!!!!  Holy moly, God's divinity is amazing!

So, are we happy?  As a family, yes.  In our work, yes.  Does it stop there?  No!  We are finding ourselves blessed with community, as well.  We love the friendships we've made in our diocese with other families in ministry.  We're so very grateful that in small-town America (a speed of life we mostly prefer and are happy to be back to), we've made friends through church and a MOPS group.  Although not as often as I think any of us would like, we DO have friends we enjoy getting together with and letting our kids play together while we enjoy adult conversation.  Most especially, though, we have felt immediate support for our every need throughout the whole year.  When we weren't sure what sure of our bearings in our new parish yet, an awesome family stepped forward and has been a blessing ever since.  When I felt like homeschool was going to be a fail simply for lack of community, God calmed my worries by simultaneously transplanting another homeschool family into our parish just 3 weeks after us, and through working together we've discovered just how many people around here ARE actually on this same journey and we're becoming a wonderful network.  When we went through one of the scariest experiences of our life with our car accident in February, we saw with such clarity how many people were ready to care for us after having been here such a short time--and did!  That could have been such a lonely time just one month into moving, and instead it was a time when blessing came through hardship.

Okay, now to mention a few other blessings I'd be remiss to keep quiet about: we have an amazing home, a really spectacular "back yard" (farm, swimming pool w/huge slide, zipline, two chapels, plenty of space to house guests, etc, etc) the combination of the roominess I love about KS and the mountain features I love about WA, four distinct seasons (the weather in Seattle is probably THE thing I will never miss), closer proximity to family and friends which has made for increased visits (albeit there will never be enough), getting to experience living history by being in the heart of Civil War territory, having the time and environment to develop new hobbies like tapping maple trees and boiling down our own maple syrup, and for having the time and means to put our kids in several extracurriculars that they've wanted to try for a long time but just didn't fit in the budget.  These are very worldly things, but things I'm grateful for none-the-less.

And now, I want to present one more aspect of our current life before wrapping up this behemoth.  The pace of life here has allowed one of my quieter, most personal dreams to come true, which is something I NEVER saw coming--truly this is "living the never".  Think for a minute, if you will, about some longing you have that is so strong and yet feels so silly, that is such a desire and yet something you often give very little thought to until the point that you don't give it due credit as a yearning written on the fabric of your soul by the only one who truly knows your whole soul.  For me, one of those things has been to be healthy and to have a healthy family.  When I lost my 52-yr-old father to poor health choices as just a 23-yr-old, I knew that was something I didn't ever want to go through again if I could in any way prevent it.  I'm not questioning God's plan to take Him home then, nor do I think I have the power to completely prevent it from happening to someone else, but I have become keenly aware that, as in all things, God has given us as humans the unique ability to reason what is best for our bodies.  He created them to be temples for our souls, and as such, we should treat them with great care.  So, where does life in WV come in?  Well after several years of thinking about this, having conversations about this, having heated debates with my husband about the hows and whys of what that means for him, and only doing a very mediocre job of this myself...my choices caught up with me.  This summer, I gained some weight at what a surprisingly-faster rate for me.  I knew two things right away.  One, getting older does happen--to all of us, darn it. ;-)  And two, that to be a person of virtue and integrity, I had no choice but to put my money where my mouth was.  So, when the school year started, I started getting up early (and another dream--wanting to be a morning person--came true), and going for a walk with a hint of jogging, offering it as prayer time free from the distractions of children, computers, etc.  I also went back to drinking pretty much just water (a habit I'd replaced with too much soda), cutting out processed foods and tuning into whole foods (a passion I developed more fully by exposure to such a healthy mindset in Seattle), and only cooking the foods for my family that are best for them instead of toning it down to make them happy.  You see, as the primary shopper and cook, I was the one with the control.

Now the miracles, which I know they are because it's only by the grace of God that all this has transpired.  First, I surprised myself by quickly being able to push myself into running instead of walk-jogging, and by going further and longer than I thought possible.  I did a sort of couch-to-5k of my own devising and stuck to it.  That's definitely something my 15-yr-old asthmatic, panting self never would NEVER have predicted!  Two, I started to really like it, and to consider myself an athlete...who knew.  Thirdly, and the part I'm most grateful for...of all the approaches I'd tried, how silly that I never thought to use my own example as incentive to finally get Shawn on board for real!!!!!  After about a month on my own, Shawn stared running with me (by his own choosing with not even a hint of request/expectation from me), but also one-upped me and started a food diary.  It's amazing what health can be accomplished when, as a team, you're tracking both exercise and food intake--when you have that accountability, that support, that mutual success...when you know that the person you're doing it with sees it as a path to virtue and holiness just as you do, and it happens to be THE very person you're most responsible for getting to Heaven.  Lastly, it led to crossing off a bucket list item I didn't know I even had: in November, we ran a 5k together!  My MOPS group hosted it, and it was a day I'll never forget.  First, our children participated in the fun run and were happy to be aware of the good they were doing for their bodies.  Then, we both ran for our best, and achieved our best.  In our very first race ever, I ran 5k in under 29 minutes, and Shawn ran it in under 26 minutes.  I NEVER thought to hope for anything that successful, and I praise God for what He can achieve in us when we open ourselves up to it.  We've continued the healthy lifestyle since, muddling through how to be successful as the weather turns nastier and the food of the holidays turns yummier.  I tell you, my friends...going for and achieving a deeply personal goal that you know is happening by the grace of God is one of the most sanctifying experiences possible.  So whatever it is, GO FOR IT!!!!!

So, a year in review.  Wow.  Are there days I still wish we could live closer to family?  Yep.  Do I begrudge the time and struggles God called us to in Seattle?  Absolutely not.  For one thing, we had a lot of fun there, were exposed to some amazing culture there, renewed a love of the outdoors there, and most especially made some incredible friends there that I still long for often.  Secondly, I see beyond any doubt how God knew exactly what He was doing when he called us to that time of preparation.  The difficulties at work made Shawn a more well-rounded person to be able to handle the difficulties here that sometimes mirror them.  The time there took me from a person who, to be honest, thought homeschool was a terrible idea and turned me into a person with a softened heart to be open to it.  You see, dear people, West Virginia has been the realization of, well, pretty much Heaven on earth for our family, but is a step we NEVER would have been willing to take straight from KS.  So, in this Advent season, this time of preparation to celebrate Christ's first coming and to anticipate His next coming, I see in a way I NEVER have before that there is so much joy in the waiting.  For since I know that waiting for Heaven will be even a million times more fruitful than waiting for this Heaven on earth has been, I can't help but bow humbly before a God so divine, so wise, so mighty, so merciful, so comforting, and so loving.

Peace be with you,
Anne

Definitely living the never...BIG changes for the Madden family!

If my 17-yr-old self had any idea she'd end up excited about the plans we're making and the changes we're embracing....well, she'd be FURIOUS!  Indeed the news I'm happy to share with you embodies several of my "never" statements.  I mean, seriously, I really should have known this was coming...

After 2 years of adventure in Seattle, we're excited to announce that God is calling our family to a new experience.  Shawn has accepted the position as Director of the Bishop Hodges Pastoral Center for the Diocese of Wheeling-Charleston in West Virginia...seriously, could somebody convince my husband to some day get a job that doesn't have the longest title ever?  Anywho...I digress.  Thankfully, a colleague who's there now had the insight to see that Shawn might be a really great fit for them and invited us to prayerfully discern.  We're so glad he did and SO looking forward to this new opportunity that will allow Shawn to use his gifts in a more hands-on way once again as he leads the staff and teens who attend their retreat center and summer camp programs, as well as hopefully have a large role in starting a newly-developing mission trip program that will be hosted from this facility and reach out to the good people of WV who are in great need of assistance.

As for family life, we're all incredibly excited to be returning to on-site retreat and camp life.  This is one aspect of life we have greatly missed since moving here--who would have guessed we'd miss it enough to now not only choose a rural life again, but one that still isn't all that close to the vast majority of our family in friends.  Crazy!  I personally am also looking forward to the chance to serve in ministry together with my husband again, another aspect of life that we haven't been able to see fulfilled here.  Doing ministry together is TOUGH, but is certainly so very good for our relationship with each other and with our Lord!  I've missed having a role in that world and have seen through being unable to be a part of it here that I have a deeply-rooted passion for camp and retreat ministry and find great joy in being God's instrument for conversion of hearts through these experiences--watch out teens, here I come!

Of course, and here comes another huge "never", I'll have to find some solid balance between potential work and the needs of my children since, as a part of this move, we've chosen to also embark on the homeschool journey!  WHOA.  Seriously, there was once a time I thought there was nothing worse you could possibly do to your children and now I'm so thrilled that while I've felt my heart softening to it for quite some time, I'm blessed enough to hear the Holy Spirit's voice whisper to me that now is the time.  I get to embrace, in that really special way, the full embodiment of being my children's primary educator.  So cool!!

I'm running low on writing steam and want to get this posted today.  That said, I'd be remiss to put it up and not express my great sorrow as well for the friendships we've made here that will take on a new incarnation now.  There are some truly amazing people in western WA who will always have a piece of my heart, all of you for a variety of reasons.  During our time here we've been incredibly blessed to always have the support we needed and people to keep us going in the tough ministry world that exists here on the west coast.  It was such a hard decision to be able to let go of the compulsion to want to stay here and keep fighting the good fight because I love you all so much that I felt like walking away would mean that we personally are letting you down.  Through some key conversations that gave good perspective to what the work here has been and would continue to be, and through lots of prayer and serious discernment, I've come to realize that if we're following the voice of God--and I believe with unwavering certainty we are--there is no way in which that can be a failure.  I see now that the good work Shawn has done here is a huge blessing to all the aforementioned people whom I care so much about, but that now is also the time God has chosen for us to move on.  My many thanks and much love to all of you!  You'll be in our prayers and hearts.

Here's to Living the Never--I have a feeling it's gonna be good!

Peace be with you,
Anne

Where, oh where did you go?

We're 3 weeks in to school now, and I was just curious if anyone could tell me where my summer went?  I'm still baffled that it's over!  Back in early June, we had a dinner conversation that centered around how we would fill the days spreading out before us.  You see, for a family used to having summer consumed by the joys--and challenges--of living the summer camp life, we still don't know what to do with a "typical" summer.  Do people really lounge on beaches and around pools, do people really stay in their pajamas all day, do people really take impromptu day trips?  As it turns out, in the end I still can't say what other people do; I just know we had a blast doing very little of those things.

Although school here doesn't get out until the middle of June, I really felt like our summer adventures started in May when Shawn's parents, brother, and niece all came for Ellie's First Communion.  It was an incredible weekend, most especially because of the Sacrament itself, and then also because we got to show them around the Seattle metro area and then go on an overnight to Whidbey Island (including a whale watching trip).  That was our second time there and both times I've been struck by how completely I feel the pacific northwest "vibe" when we're there.  The combination of forests, oceans, and general atmosphere are wonderful.  While we were there we also went to Sunday Mass, and having Ellie walk up with us and receive the Eucharist on that "ordinary" Sunday was a striking reminder that this weekly miracle we get to partake in is always EXTRAordinary.

Just after school got out, Shawn's family came back (parents and brother's whole family) and while the weather wasn't super cooperative--go figure, right?--we had a fantastic time.  Again we explored the metro area and such, but then...we took our first trip to Vancouver, Canada!  It's really fun living so close to the border and being to take our children on an international trip.  That said, it's so hard to accept that to them it seems like just another weekend trip--a cool one, mind you, but still a just short trip from home.  I wonder if years from now they'll understand how crazy awesome our adventures have been these last couple years because they're so easy to take, or will they have forgotten?  Or, will we still live here and they'll take it all for granted, finding awe instead in the rolling fields and thunderstorms of the midwest?

Fact: When you go anywhere in Seattle with this many children, you definitely get a TON of double takes!

After that, we spent several days coming and going from camp, where we had the blessing of getting to hang out with friends who said yes to growing the mission this year.  We are so grateful for these families who said yes to living the camp life because they love Jesus so much and want to share that love!  It was also during this time that we celebrated Independence Day, played a bunch of Kuub, enjoyed our neighborhood beach and park, let go of Ellie for a whole week of camp, sent the girls to day camp, and waffled constantly about whether or not we were really going to make a trip to KS this summer.

In the end, WE DID!  We made the final decision just 24 hours before we loaded in the van and left--yes, that's what I said--we drove from Seattle to KS this year.  And, believe it or not, getting there was half the fun.  We saw all the beauty and grandeur our national hymns refer to, we woke up in Big Sky, MT and spent a day in Yellowstone, we saw Mount Rushmore and meandered through the Badlands (while listening to Rich Mullins sing about it), we drove through a crazy storm, we wondered how we were going to get through a particular cliffwall that didn't appear to have a pass and then discovered a series of crazy serious switchbacks that took us to the top, drove across a 60+ mile plateau, and then took an even scarier series of switchbacks down again (this time in the dark).  And all of this before even reaching our destination!  Waiting for us in KS were some of the most wonderful days ever, including hanging out with cousins, going to the water park with Grammar and Aunt Josie, spending an evening with close friends, attending the Camp Tekakwitha reunion that my girls still haven't stopped talking about, etc, etc.  And, to top it all off, we left on a Saturday night at 11:00 pm, drove straight through 30 hours (truly stopping only for potty breaks, lunch, and dinner), and got home at 3:00 am Monday morning exhausted but happily safe--I emphasize the happy part because I'm still SO grateful for how easily we all handled that day...seriously, the girls were WONDERFUL!

Looking back at early August, I remember losing 2 miserable weeks to a couple of really bad rounds of Hand, foot and mouth disease.  On the other glorious hand, however, I also remember celebrating our 10th anniversary with the man of my dreams!  While I completely enjoy seeing everyone's re-declarations of love on such days through FB and other media (thank God for holy, lasting marriages!), it was also such a gift to feel like a thief secretly stealing that weekend away to keep just for ourselves.  We had a friend offer to keep the girls, so we got to enjoy a weekend of being deliriously in love--we went out to dinner, did some shopping, and then came home.  Who knew being at home--without kids--could be such a fantastic gift on your 10th anniversary!  We shared gifts and talked memories that, sorry folks, I still just want to cherish just in my heart, renewed our commitment to the future, and spent time remembering how great it is to be married to your best friend.  I am so grateful for that weekend that got to be just ours and that I know I'll never forget.

Ten Years!

Think I'm done?  Ha!  If so, you must not have ever read my other blog posts.  ;-)  For our final hurrah, we had the joy of having a dear friend come stay with us for over a week.  We played many games, had ordinary dinners at home, and (with a bit of hesitation for the inevitable coming season) set about the process of going through the back-to-school motions.  Funny, though, how these things are always more fun in the presence of a great friend!  We also took another trip to Vancouver and explored new adventures there, as well as revisited some we'd enjoyed before.  But for me, the best part came on the last weekend he was here, when we took a trip to the coast.  Living on the Puget Sound is very cool, don't get me wrong, but ever since moving here I've wanted to go out to the edge and stand where I could see nothing but ocean spreading out to the horizon--and finally going was SO worth it!  We arrived just in time to watch the sunset., which was amazing.  The pavement literally just ended at the sand, and given that according to WA state law coastal beaches are literally state highways, we just kept driving.  We parked our car facing west and drank in the view.  That was nothing, though, compared to the first moment we opened the car door and got a that first taste of fresh, ocean air...so amazing!  Thanks to Ellie and our friend, we found a perfectly whole sand dollar, which is one of those silly little secret dreams I've always had and never really thought would necessarily happen.  We walked through sand dunes from our hotel to the beach, we flew kites, we made sand castles (Gianna and Ellie were the flags), we walked miles of beaches collecting shells, we climbed the rocks of a jetty (being ever so careful not to disturb the anemones living in the crevices between), found a great, quaint interpretive center, and just had a generally great time.

My happy place!

It was a weekend that, even as an adult, was another first for me.  We've had so many firsts since moving here that when I think only about those, it's almost as if the last 2 years have been a really extended vacation. What a gift!  And yes, there have been some complicated strings attached, but I still readily accept it with gratitude for God's goodness.  Alas, school has started again, and I know there will be more time between our adventures for the foreseeable future, but that just makes me all the more grateful for this wonderful summer we've had.  Besides, in the words of one very smart Peter Pan, "to live (and die) would be an awfully big adventure."  Bring it on, then!