Good gracious, I'm terrible at this whole keeping-up-with-a-blog thing! When I realize the last time I did this was just over 3 months ago and my original goal was to do it on a regular basis delving into daily life, well, I sure wish intentions counted for something!!
Therefore, I offer two thoughts on how so long has passed with no blog post. First, I've come to realize that as much as I LOVE writing, I want to spend time living my role in God's story of salvation even more than I want to write about it. God has given Shawn and me four of the best gifts in the world--I'd even argue THE four best gifts--and I want to be abundant with my energy for them. That means I need to use my "me" time cautiously so I then have that energy, and it means that I wouldn't feel good about taking time away from them to write about life with them. And I definitely wouldn't want to take away from my time with Shawn, which has become something of a precious commodity these days. Alas, excuse numero uno has been made.
Second, I offer to you the following: In February, Shawn and I dropped the girls off in KS and then went on to South Africa for 8 days to visit his sister (and family) who are there for 3-4 years. Although it was one of those trips that will go down in history as a comedy of errors--truly people, let me buy you a drink some time and provide you with a few good laughs--we also made memories for a lifetime, getting to see God's artwork in a totally new setting, and to see his face in a totally new culture. Next, in March I was back in KS to go watch my mom in her first musical ever--she was amazing and inspired me, as she often does, to live fully! I figured that would be the end of my travels for a while, but then the family from Africa decided they would make their one trip back and we didn't want to miss a chance for the girls to see their cousins just once in 4 years so it was back to KS we went for a quick but wonderful Easter weekend. I have much gratitude for the ability to do all that, especially since the vast majority of our travels were opportunities provided to us as gifts.
That said, I was ready to come back and be "normal," whatever that is. Instead, we had one friend from Ottawa come visit both in March and in April (first time for fun, second time b/c she was here for a conference anyway), and then a friend from college was here for almost a full week not too long ago. While we're on the note of visitors, I did the math just a bit ago, and over the course of living here 17 months, we've had family and friends visit here at least 15 times. What?!?! Again, I just want to praise the Lord in his graciousness for knowing how much staying connected to these people is a balm for my longing heart, and for helping me see that as I find great contentment when I'm "finally" in the company of these people I long for, I can only imagine the joy that will be complete when my longings to be in His presence are fulfilled! Some people go with the "deer longs for water" analogy...I say how 'bout give the "Anne longs for her peeps" analogy a try! ;-)
Okay, I digressed, but coming back to the point...we've been here, there, and yonder, and playing catch up in between (remember those things called school, work, and chores?) so blogging got to wait. I really do want to get to a point where it happens more often, if for no other reason than the fact that it's very cathartic for me. However, I find myself getting caught sometimes thinking, "wouldn't that be a great blog post?" or "ooh, I need to get on the computer ASAP and make that my facebook status" and then realizing that by doing so I'd be abruptly ending the moment that's so noteworthy when instead I could continue reaping every possible bit of clarity it brings me. Maybe someday in about 20 years I'll regret not typing out these precious stories, but today I feel Jesus is strongly calling me to get better at writing our story through my life and my actions, and not through my contributions to cyberspace.
I guess maybe I'll be back soon ( one can hope!), but on the other hand, we have family coming to visit again to help us celebrate a birthday, but most especially to celebrate our oldest daughter's First Communion!!! Now there's a story worth writing--and I mean writing by living. Seriously, could there be any greater moment on earth (for a married woman) than to come forward in unity with one's own child, husband at your side, to receive the Holy Eucharist?!?!?! There are simply no words right now to describe how humbly excited I am, so stay tuned...maybe by then I'll have gotten over my current tendency to get choked up just even at the mere thought of it!
Peace be with you,
Anne
:) * +
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
A Year of Gratitude
Tomorrow is my 31st birthday and as I contemplate the time between now and when I turned 30--which was supposed to be a landmark--I feel myself more in awe now than I did then. You see, it's been just over one year since our Seattle adventure was beginning and as I look back, we have so much to be thankful for. As I look forward, I find myself waiting as patiently as possible to see what another year here will hold, to see what God's vision for our family is. As I live in the here and now, I *try* to take each moment as it comes and not get caught up in either remembering what's been or seeking for answers to what will be--some days I live this better than others.
First, my litany of things for which I've developed a renewed, more keen appreciation over the past year. I think I have to lead off with thanking God for the beauty of the foundation set for Shawn and I in our married life. To have come from solid families, to have met each other at a solid Catholic college (go BC!) where we made solid Catholic friends, and then to be so very blessed to spend the first 8 years of our marriage at Prairie Star Ranch...a person couldn't ask for much more. I can say with honesty that for the most part we also took time to appreciate those things as they came, too, but now I can appreciate them in a different way as I wonder if I'd be strong enough to gracefully handle our current life if it wasn't for all the many ways our family was formed by our initial life. I hope and pray that the work we're doing here will develop in Seattle a community of believers set vibrantly on fire, but in this absence we're currently living of such a community as I know is possible, I am ever more grateful to draw on our previous years for strength. For many Masses, concerts, rallies, etc, etc, that gave my children a love of Christian music that lives on, even if the only place they hear it very often is the radio and me singing the songs running through my head. For the wisdom of really holy couples with more experience leading Shawn and I by example. For the opportunity to have our whole life wrapped up in ministry both through PSR, Camp Tekakwitha, and Sacred Heart YM that has set a precedence for how we want our life to look and how wonderfully the Holy Spirit will move when you allow it. For our past, I am most definitely grateful.
Now, however, to reflect on the gratitude I have not only for what's been, but for what IS. First, because this year has confirmed my belief in a God who IS. Period. Gratitude for a God who's divine plan is not just to create, but to tend His creation with abundant love and mercy. I've seen this many ways this past year. I humbly, then, offer to my caretaker, all my gratitude for a sense of contented peace that was seriously lacking one year ago. At that time, I was just pleased for each day that I didn't feel like I was sinking, for when the smallest victories outnumbered the major setbacks. Today, I celebrate the feeling that I can actually tread water and sometimes even swim through our daily life--mind you, I am keenly aware, this only occurs by the grace of God!
Over the past year, we've made more friendships than I could have ever hoped for, and with people in so many different walks of life that I feel each unique relationship feeding different parts of my soul that were longing for nourishment one year ago. For other moms to pray rosary with, for their families to celebrate Church feast days with, for other parents of preschoolers to laugh at toddler antics with, for other young adult friends who bring me balance and remind me I'm only 31 when most of these other friends are 5-20 years older than us--for all of these people and more, I'm beyond grateful.
Added to this, I want to reflect on the journey of going back to being a stay-at-home mom. Said journey has definitely felt a bit like being on a roller coaster, with high points and exhilaration from fulfillment in being so involved with my children and running our home, but also with times when it felt like I was slowly climbing inches only to then feel like the bottom had dropped out as I struggled to be me, to recognize who I, as a daughter of God, am--to be my unique self and not just "wife" or "mom". Yet, when I step off the ride for this moment and reflect objectively, I have zero doubt that it's the best ride ever and I can't wait to get back on. Thank you, Lord Jesus, that for now at least, I'm able to do just that!!
Next, I couldn't not offer my gratitude for our new parish and school, St. Monica's. It is--as is any parish--imperfect, and it does--as does any parish--have it's own dramas unfolding at any given time. That said, the open arms of hospitality offered to our family when we desperately needed it has brought me a renewed hope for the Catholic churches and schools of western WA. For 3 brief weeks, we were actually a proclaimed home-school family for this year because we were so tired of schools that were nominally "Catholic" but in actuality were focused on being private. We were at a loss for church itself, since we were struggling to find a home that was both orthodox AND vibrant (I know, I know we're picky....). That said, announcing our intent to home-school became an issue not because of other's judgement about that plan, but because our own feeling of unease was too much to ignore. Now, my children attend a school where our Catholic faith is proclaimed and lived as a much more primary focus, they're in classrooms where all the children interact because their parents aren't creating nasty cliques, and they are satisfied and settled with life in general. We go to Mass on Sundays at a parish where they get to see all of these same people--who, I should note, almost all stick around every single week for the biggest donuts and coffee gathering I've ever been a part of. While at this Mass, we sit in the midst of families whose children may or may not be making just as much noise as our own and we all try our hardest but feel grateful that even in the stickier moments people aren't pushing us to shoo our children off to the nursery, but rather to include them in the liturgy and help them grow up in that setting. And, believe it or not, in such a setting, my children have become the most well behaved they've ever been in Mass--go figure! ;-) To cap a short-story-made-long, let's just say I'm grateful for a parish and school community that feel like they could be home for a while if God so chooses for us, and not just a place to pass some time until we can find something better.
On a different venue, I can't help but take pause to mention how totally filled with joy my heart is when I think back on the many new experiences we've had this year. I LOVE MOUNTAINS...I do, it's true. Wandering through deciduous rain forests nestled high within them, watching the sun rise and set over them when coming to and fro our new school, sharing the memory of when we got caught in a blizzard while driving the pass between a few of them, camping atop them with friends, sledding with their peaks for a backdrop, marveling at their ability to hide behind cloud cover...they. are. so. great. So, while I can't help but for part of me to wish that maybe someday God will call us back to KS, I wonder if maybe some how we could bring them with us, as they've moved towards the top of my list of things that easily remind me of His majesty. Also: fish market, space needle, ocean, boat locks, quaint Bavarian mountain village, ancient trees, aquarium, ferry rides, etc, etc, etc....I could list so many more, but we'd all get bored. Let's just say it's been a year of new, and it's been fun!
Last but not least, I most especially know that there is no greater birthday gift on earth than to be with Shawn and the girls as we wait together in joyful anticipation of the heavenly life that's been promised to us when we'll get to party with Jesus, Angela, Hilary, and all the saints, Saints, and angels. Our nuclear family has taken on a much great significance this year as we've often had only each other to rely on, and I've got to say...these are some VERY cool people I'm livin' with! Laughing together at our own silliness, overcoming fears together, caring for one another, praying together, learning to ride bikes and swim, becoming a diaper-free house for the present, moments of magnitude and miracle, but also moments of minutia or uncertainty...for each and every one I am grateful because through it all I have a God who loves me and who never leaves me. What more could a 31-year-old girl ask for?
Peace be with you,
Anne
:) * +
First, my litany of things for which I've developed a renewed, more keen appreciation over the past year. I think I have to lead off with thanking God for the beauty of the foundation set for Shawn and I in our married life. To have come from solid families, to have met each other at a solid Catholic college (go BC!) where we made solid Catholic friends, and then to be so very blessed to spend the first 8 years of our marriage at Prairie Star Ranch...a person couldn't ask for much more. I can say with honesty that for the most part we also took time to appreciate those things as they came, too, but now I can appreciate them in a different way as I wonder if I'd be strong enough to gracefully handle our current life if it wasn't for all the many ways our family was formed by our initial life. I hope and pray that the work we're doing here will develop in Seattle a community of believers set vibrantly on fire, but in this absence we're currently living of such a community as I know is possible, I am ever more grateful to draw on our previous years for strength. For many Masses, concerts, rallies, etc, etc, that gave my children a love of Christian music that lives on, even if the only place they hear it very often is the radio and me singing the songs running through my head. For the wisdom of really holy couples with more experience leading Shawn and I by example. For the opportunity to have our whole life wrapped up in ministry both through PSR, Camp Tekakwitha, and Sacred Heart YM that has set a precedence for how we want our life to look and how wonderfully the Holy Spirit will move when you allow it. For our past, I am most definitely grateful.
Now, however, to reflect on the gratitude I have not only for what's been, but for what IS. First, because this year has confirmed my belief in a God who IS. Period. Gratitude for a God who's divine plan is not just to create, but to tend His creation with abundant love and mercy. I've seen this many ways this past year. I humbly, then, offer to my caretaker, all my gratitude for a sense of contented peace that was seriously lacking one year ago. At that time, I was just pleased for each day that I didn't feel like I was sinking, for when the smallest victories outnumbered the major setbacks. Today, I celebrate the feeling that I can actually tread water and sometimes even swim through our daily life--mind you, I am keenly aware, this only occurs by the grace of God!
Over the past year, we've made more friendships than I could have ever hoped for, and with people in so many different walks of life that I feel each unique relationship feeding different parts of my soul that were longing for nourishment one year ago. For other moms to pray rosary with, for their families to celebrate Church feast days with, for other parents of preschoolers to laugh at toddler antics with, for other young adult friends who bring me balance and remind me I'm only 31 when most of these other friends are 5-20 years older than us--for all of these people and more, I'm beyond grateful.
Added to this, I want to reflect on the journey of going back to being a stay-at-home mom. Said journey has definitely felt a bit like being on a roller coaster, with high points and exhilaration from fulfillment in being so involved with my children and running our home, but also with times when it felt like I was slowly climbing inches only to then feel like the bottom had dropped out as I struggled to be me, to recognize who I, as a daughter of God, am--to be my unique self and not just "wife" or "mom". Yet, when I step off the ride for this moment and reflect objectively, I have zero doubt that it's the best ride ever and I can't wait to get back on. Thank you, Lord Jesus, that for now at least, I'm able to do just that!!
Next, I couldn't not offer my gratitude for our new parish and school, St. Monica's. It is--as is any parish--imperfect, and it does--as does any parish--have it's own dramas unfolding at any given time. That said, the open arms of hospitality offered to our family when we desperately needed it has brought me a renewed hope for the Catholic churches and schools of western WA. For 3 brief weeks, we were actually a proclaimed home-school family for this year because we were so tired of schools that were nominally "Catholic" but in actuality were focused on being private. We were at a loss for church itself, since we were struggling to find a home that was both orthodox AND vibrant (I know, I know we're picky....). That said, announcing our intent to home-school became an issue not because of other's judgement about that plan, but because our own feeling of unease was too much to ignore. Now, my children attend a school where our Catholic faith is proclaimed and lived as a much more primary focus, they're in classrooms where all the children interact because their parents aren't creating nasty cliques, and they are satisfied and settled with life in general. We go to Mass on Sundays at a parish where they get to see all of these same people--who, I should note, almost all stick around every single week for the biggest donuts and coffee gathering I've ever been a part of. While at this Mass, we sit in the midst of families whose children may or may not be making just as much noise as our own and we all try our hardest but feel grateful that even in the stickier moments people aren't pushing us to shoo our children off to the nursery, but rather to include them in the liturgy and help them grow up in that setting. And, believe it or not, in such a setting, my children have become the most well behaved they've ever been in Mass--go figure! ;-) To cap a short-story-made-long, let's just say I'm grateful for a parish and school community that feel like they could be home for a while if God so chooses for us, and not just a place to pass some time until we can find something better.
On a different venue, I can't help but take pause to mention how totally filled with joy my heart is when I think back on the many new experiences we've had this year. I LOVE MOUNTAINS...I do, it's true. Wandering through deciduous rain forests nestled high within them, watching the sun rise and set over them when coming to and fro our new school, sharing the memory of when we got caught in a blizzard while driving the pass between a few of them, camping atop them with friends, sledding with their peaks for a backdrop, marveling at their ability to hide behind cloud cover...they. are. so. great. So, while I can't help but for part of me to wish that maybe someday God will call us back to KS, I wonder if maybe some how we could bring them with us, as they've moved towards the top of my list of things that easily remind me of His majesty. Also: fish market, space needle, ocean, boat locks, quaint Bavarian mountain village, ancient trees, aquarium, ferry rides, etc, etc, etc....I could list so many more, but we'd all get bored. Let's just say it's been a year of new, and it's been fun!
Last but not least, I most especially know that there is no greater birthday gift on earth than to be with Shawn and the girls as we wait together in joyful anticipation of the heavenly life that's been promised to us when we'll get to party with Jesus, Angela, Hilary, and all the saints, Saints, and angels. Our nuclear family has taken on a much great significance this year as we've often had only each other to rely on, and I've got to say...these are some VERY cool people I'm livin' with! Laughing together at our own silliness, overcoming fears together, caring for one another, praying together, learning to ride bikes and swim, becoming a diaper-free house for the present, moments of magnitude and miracle, but also moments of minutia or uncertainty...for each and every one I am grateful because through it all I have a God who loves me and who never leaves me. What more could a 31-year-old girl ask for?
Peace be with you,
Anne
:) * +
Friday, November 18, 2011
Surprised....twice.
Welcome back to Living The Never. If it's popped into your mind, maybe you've wondered why I bothered to start a blog almost 3 months ago and then never bother to write in it? As it happens, I don't like to write anything that feels false, and anything I would have written up to now would have felt as such. Let me attempt to explain and see how it goes as I write. Fair warning, I'm going to write honestly and openly so I apologize in advance if my humanity isn't pretty. No one's perfect, right? Come, Holy Spirit...
I think the easiest place to begin is the beginning. You see, when I wrote my four-part intro to my blog 3 months ago, it originally had an additional paragraph at the end. A paragraph that 2 days into my 4-day series I had to, for my emotional preservation, take out and leave for a later day or maybe for never at all. Here is that paragraph for you now:
"... I now also have some joyful news to share: God believes us capable of even more expanded hearts, more crowded bedrooms, another leaf in the table, and, my "worst fear" realized...perhaps a suburban SUV. That's right, my friends, we're having another baby!!!! :) I'll be the first to admit I never expected God would call us this direction at this time, but I feel very confident in His guiding hand and will try to follow Mary's example of changing the world by saying YES! Little child of mine, I can't promise you many things for absolute certain, but I can say this much: you will be so very loved and cherished--not only by your Creator, but also by the family that's so blessed to have you. We'll laugh together, cry together, sometimes fail together, and hopefully more often than not, follow the will of God together so that we can end up in Heaven together."
Yes, my friends, Shawn and I are now the parents to a sixth child! It was very much a surprise, which was a new experience for us and one that didn't sit entirely comfortably at first. I was really, really, really content with four children--it just seemed so perfect for now. I never doubted that God would provide for another person in our house, but had to work on adjusting my selfish lines of thinking...I discovered that one of my imperfections is that it was a lot easier to speak about a culture of life than to live it out in MY own life.
It is, however, with a heavy heart, that I continue the story. As it turns out, through the grace of God, I found myself completely capable of falling in love with my youngest child in very short time and accepting the changes that would be necessary to make room for that love. And so, 2 days into starting my blog, Shawn and I headed to the doctor for our first ultrasound with plans to tell the girls that night about their new sibling and share with everyone on the world wide web at the conclusion of my blog 2 days later. Sadly, instead we came home crushed, confused, overwhelmed (for the second time in less than a month), and numb. Who knew the words, "this isn't a viable pregnancy" could hurt so much, even when delivered with such compassion? Who knew that losing a baby you weren't sure you wanted in the first place could be such a blow to the heart? Who knew that when God has stretched you farther than ever before and you've come to peace with it, there could be more stretching to come so very soon?
Instead of sharing joy, we were now grieving loss...and grieving loss silently except for the amazing support of closest friends and family. Talking about miscarriages isn't comfortable for most people in the world and much as I wanted to scream, "THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!" and tell everyone why, the rational side of me knew regret would follow that. So, instead we simply omitted the last paragraph of my blog intro, waited 5 days to be sure, gave the girls a very overly-simplified explanation of why Mommy had to go spend an afternoon at the hospital, picked ourselves up and started life at a new school and parish just 2 days later. Inside I was churning, aching, feeling guilty that I was also a little relieved (all those details wouldn't have to be figured out now), and lonely. There I was in the midst of a new community of people I was hoping would become new friends, and the only intro that kept running through my head was, "hi, I'm Anne and I just lost my baby to miscarriage." Probably not a very good lead off, huh? So, we kept it to ourselves and tried to be as authentically joyful as possible for the girls' sake and again, for self-preservation.
After time, we came to a sense of being able to tell the girls with joy and peace about their youngest sibling...to be able to speak the name Hilary Francis Madden. There's some line of thinking that maybe since I was only 8 weeks pregnant it's not an important enough event for them to need to know. While I do agree they don't need to know, I also accept that I can't authentically stand up and say I believe in the soul of each conceived human if I deny this one's dignity because life was so very brief. And so now, thanks to our belief in the communion of saints, Ellie, Maria, Gianna, and Meg feel a little sadness for not getting to hold Hilary but they also get the special blessing of getting to be in relationship now with their oldest AND youngest siblings who are both in Heaven--the blessing of the opportunity to love and be loved. Their easy acceptance of this new soul in Heaven is a beautiful witness to having faith like a child!
Throughout the course of dealing with this--which I'm not even close to done with--I've had moments I'm really proud of and moments that I'll have a hard time ever forgiving myself for. I've had moments of clear rationality and moments that I've later seen were times that I let the devil dance in my head and fill me with doubt. I hope some day I'll stop questioning if we did everything we could, if we waited long enough to allow God to work a miracle if He had wanted to, if we prayed hard enough and subsequently entrusted ourselves to those prayers well enough, if "100% miscarriage" was really truly the truth. I hope some day I'll be able to speak to Hilary and not feel compelled to lead off with, "I'm sorry I failed you." But I also realize that I need to work through those feelings and truly accept the love and forgiveness Jesus is offering and remember that we DID pray our way through it, and we DID push for certainty from our doctor before acting, and we DID act in the best way we knew how. So, my weakness now is in letting the devil fill me with all those doubts, in giving any time to those thoughts when I know that even if--IF--we failed in any one piece of that, God loves us still, loves us now, loves us always. It's not our perfection in thought and action that will get us to Heaven to live eternally with Jesus and Hilary, and everyone else, but rather it's HIS perfection that covers us in grace and mercy if only we accept it.
Do I think I'm the first woman to have these kinds of thoughts after a miscarriage? Absolutely not. I don't think my story is anything unique or special. I don't think my grief and pain compare, perhaps, to that of a parent who loses a child at birth or to a car accident...but then, it isn't about comparisons, is it? It's about wrapping ourselves in the love, peace, strength and forgiveness of our Heavenly Father. It is through the beautiful example of friends who've shared similar experiences and told their story that I have courage to write this today, that I have the courage to be completely and openly pro-life. I hope that in sharing my story maybe I'm paying it forward--maybe I'm reminding you to take heart and find comfort in a life committed to God. I'm also asking not for your pity, but for your prayers in joy and thanksgiving for another soul, another life--for Hilary Francis. I'm asking you to celebrate with me, so that I, too, might remember to celebrate God's divine plan. Vitae Victoria Erit--Life will be victorious!!!!
Friday, August 26, 2011
Why "Living The Never"? (Part 4)
Without further ado...a conclusion (for now):
Needless to say, we now live in WA, miles and miles and miles from so very much that I hold so dear. Many days I ache for the comfort of that, but many days I'm thankful that of all the surprising things for someone who'd been holding down 3 jobs, I'm now once again (and exclusively) a stay-at-home mom. I have a greater appreciation for it this time around and a clear understanding of the need to still see myself first and foremost as a daughter of God. Shawn, meanwhile, is working harder than ever and making steady, beautiful progress for the youth and young adults of the Seattle archdiocese, as well as in his own professionalism. God has provided him several opportunities for growth ;) and in my humble opinion he's continued to grow quite rapidly as an amazing man of God through this new work. You see, God knew what we could not until trusting to see His plan through: this new life might not be easy, but it challenges us to be authentically who we say we are and call on the Holy Spirit as our source of virtue and way to Heaven. An easy life would not require this increase in dedication to the virtues, so I find myself able to be grateful for the struggles.
Since getting here and realizing somewhere along my journey that speaking "nevers" is openly inviting God into my life, I've found a peace in being called to the parts of this life that make me uncomfortable. In those places that seemed so foreign--and sometimes wrong--to my feeble 18-yr-old mind, I've been stretched to greater virtue and holiness than I could have ever hoped for. I get choked up with gratitude for all the gifts God has given us that would have been missed if I'd stuck to my "nevers". We're far from perfect and thankful that God loves us each day regardless, as well as ever so glad that He is the one laying the path before our feet--He certainly knows better than I!!
To conclude (you thought it would never come?), through listening each day to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit, we now find ourselves in a situation where we are young and naive compared to most people in our state of life. Although, truth be told there are very few people these days who will ever be in "our state of life". God calls each of us to a unique path, but there is no greater road we can walk than the one He lays before our feet. I've come to be grateful, then, that I NEVER know exactly what's coming next, because it turns out I really like His surprises! Never, my friends, say never.
Peace be with you,
Anne
:) * +
Needless to say, we now live in WA, miles and miles and miles from so very much that I hold so dear. Many days I ache for the comfort of that, but many days I'm thankful that of all the surprising things for someone who'd been holding down 3 jobs, I'm now once again (and exclusively) a stay-at-home mom. I have a greater appreciation for it this time around and a clear understanding of the need to still see myself first and foremost as a daughter of God. Shawn, meanwhile, is working harder than ever and making steady, beautiful progress for the youth and young adults of the Seattle archdiocese, as well as in his own professionalism. God has provided him several opportunities for growth ;) and in my humble opinion he's continued to grow quite rapidly as an amazing man of God through this new work. You see, God knew what we could not until trusting to see His plan through: this new life might not be easy, but it challenges us to be authentically who we say we are and call on the Holy Spirit as our source of virtue and way to Heaven. An easy life would not require this increase in dedication to the virtues, so I find myself able to be grateful for the struggles.
Since getting here and realizing somewhere along my journey that speaking "nevers" is openly inviting God into my life, I've found a peace in being called to the parts of this life that make me uncomfortable. In those places that seemed so foreign--and sometimes wrong--to my feeble 18-yr-old mind, I've been stretched to greater virtue and holiness than I could have ever hoped for. I get choked up with gratitude for all the gifts God has given us that would have been missed if I'd stuck to my "nevers". We're far from perfect and thankful that God loves us each day regardless, as well as ever so glad that He is the one laying the path before our feet--He certainly knows better than I!!
To conclude (you thought it would never come?), through listening each day to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit, we now find ourselves in a situation where we are young and naive compared to most people in our state of life. Although, truth be told there are very few people these days who will ever be in "our state of life". God calls each of us to a unique path, but there is no greater road we can walk than the one He lays before our feet. I've come to be grateful, then, that I NEVER know exactly what's coming next, because it turns out I really like His surprises! Never, my friends, say never.
Peace be with you,
Anne
:) * +
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Why "Living The Never"? (Part 3)
So when we left off yesterday, I was pleased--because it was pleasing to God--to have found myself with a husband and 3 children born within 3 years...cue Part 3:
After a couple years of this, I felt unsettled in my soul, and unsure about myself. To my own disbelief, being a stay-at-home mom wasn't all roses and cheerful work. I knew it would be hard work, but I never imagined it might not be 100% satisfying. As I prayed (and worried over) what was to come next, God answered me in a very unexpected way: through our parish priest, He invited me to go to work as our parish DRE and youth minister. Through the 3 years I had that job, I came to value myself again and the skills I have at reaching out to young people and families, I appreciated once again every moment I got to have with my own children, I got to know our church family so much better, and I helped provide for our family at a time when we needed it. I became better again at the job I'd had for many years as Camp Tekakwitha Assistant Director and found renewed joy for the gift of Prairie Star Ranch as our home and vocation. All of these gifts came through a venue I "never" thought appropriate for any good mom. Meanwhile, my children flourished and our family found good balance.
Of course, as I'll tell you in another story some day, I've come to see that God doesn't call us to get comfortable and complacent, but rather to seek further virtue and holiness. This brings us to the part of life when I realized--AGAIN--that being open to God's call means taking time to consider that He might be calling. We were so comfortable with not getting pregnant again that it never even occurred to us to ask God through prayer what HE wanted at that time. As we became aware of this, we did start to pray and we realized He was asking us to be open to new life again. I was SO not in the mood to be pregnant since I'm not one of those women who make it look easy, but we listened and obeyed, and God answered in mercy. Meg's was the easiest pregnancy I've had (thank you, Jesus!) and her addition has brought so much fun into our life that I can't imagine how boring things would have gotten without her.
So now I've filled the seats at my table and in my van which means I've accepted a big-ish family, I've stepped outside my comfort zone and gone to work while having young children, I'm much younger than anyone else with 4 kids and therefore accepted that we're "different"...I've done all God keeps asking and deserve to reap the benefits, right?
"Comfortable...don't get comfortable." (Brandon Heath) If we were listening like such good Christians, why was there a restlessness? Why was my job becoming more complicated and seemingly not conducive to my primary vocation as wife and mom? What could we possibly be missing? Could it, for even one second, be that God was calling us to explore more options and look again at what it really means to be completely open to His ways?
In hearing the Holy Spirit through various ways, including prayer, we decided to expose ourselves to vulnerability and seek out another life situation. We saw that if we didn't put ourselves out there, we weren't giving God a chance to move us another way. We were saying we were open but not being willing to give it a chance to really form...so began a series of applications, resumes, cover letters, and interviews for various jobs located throughout the midwest (and one random one in WA just because the job description was too perfect not to). At this time, I also took on a 3rd job (crazy!) and found great joy in realizing I LOVE being a preschool teacher and will happily go back to that job if/when God ever calls me there again. Shawn's interviews had lead no where, another school year had started and better than expected, and I was loving my newest job...life was mostly all good so maybe we should settle in after all. We'd done our job by being open and God was rewarding us by saying stay? Ha!
Rather, quite suddenly, the job in Seattle was interviewed for and then offered, and seemed very much to be something that would use a great deal of Shawn's gifts, helping him to grow in holiness. I, however, "never" expected that the job God would call him to would be the one that would take me so far from everything known, from everyone known. Surely He knows me better than this? It turns out He does know me better--better than I know myself and as He spoke into my soul, God assured me that if I would say yes, He'd send the Holy Spirit with us and continue to provide the courage I'd so very much need.
Stayed tuned for the final installment of Why "Living The Never"? coming your way tomorrow. I wonder what I'll write about after that...
Peace be with you,
Anne
:) * +
After a couple years of this, I felt unsettled in my soul, and unsure about myself. To my own disbelief, being a stay-at-home mom wasn't all roses and cheerful work. I knew it would be hard work, but I never imagined it might not be 100% satisfying. As I prayed (and worried over) what was to come next, God answered me in a very unexpected way: through our parish priest, He invited me to go to work as our parish DRE and youth minister. Through the 3 years I had that job, I came to value myself again and the skills I have at reaching out to young people and families, I appreciated once again every moment I got to have with my own children, I got to know our church family so much better, and I helped provide for our family at a time when we needed it. I became better again at the job I'd had for many years as Camp Tekakwitha Assistant Director and found renewed joy for the gift of Prairie Star Ranch as our home and vocation. All of these gifts came through a venue I "never" thought appropriate for any good mom. Meanwhile, my children flourished and our family found good balance.
Of course, as I'll tell you in another story some day, I've come to see that God doesn't call us to get comfortable and complacent, but rather to seek further virtue and holiness. This brings us to the part of life when I realized--AGAIN--that being open to God's call means taking time to consider that He might be calling. We were so comfortable with not getting pregnant again that it never even occurred to us to ask God through prayer what HE wanted at that time. As we became aware of this, we did start to pray and we realized He was asking us to be open to new life again. I was SO not in the mood to be pregnant since I'm not one of those women who make it look easy, but we listened and obeyed, and God answered in mercy. Meg's was the easiest pregnancy I've had (thank you, Jesus!) and her addition has brought so much fun into our life that I can't imagine how boring things would have gotten without her.
So now I've filled the seats at my table and in my van which means I've accepted a big-ish family, I've stepped outside my comfort zone and gone to work while having young children, I'm much younger than anyone else with 4 kids and therefore accepted that we're "different"...I've done all God keeps asking and deserve to reap the benefits, right?
"Comfortable...don't get comfortable." (Brandon Heath) If we were listening like such good Christians, why was there a restlessness? Why was my job becoming more complicated and seemingly not conducive to my primary vocation as wife and mom? What could we possibly be missing? Could it, for even one second, be that God was calling us to explore more options and look again at what it really means to be completely open to His ways?
In hearing the Holy Spirit through various ways, including prayer, we decided to expose ourselves to vulnerability and seek out another life situation. We saw that if we didn't put ourselves out there, we weren't giving God a chance to move us another way. We were saying we were open but not being willing to give it a chance to really form...so began a series of applications, resumes, cover letters, and interviews for various jobs located throughout the midwest (and one random one in WA just because the job description was too perfect not to). At this time, I also took on a 3rd job (crazy!) and found great joy in realizing I LOVE being a preschool teacher and will happily go back to that job if/when God ever calls me there again. Shawn's interviews had lead no where, another school year had started and better than expected, and I was loving my newest job...life was mostly all good so maybe we should settle in after all. We'd done our job by being open and God was rewarding us by saying stay? Ha!
Rather, quite suddenly, the job in Seattle was interviewed for and then offered, and seemed very much to be something that would use a great deal of Shawn's gifts, helping him to grow in holiness. I, however, "never" expected that the job God would call him to would be the one that would take me so far from everything known, from everyone known. Surely He knows me better than this? It turns out He does know me better--better than I know myself and as He spoke into my soul, God assured me that if I would say yes, He'd send the Holy Spirit with us and continue to provide the courage I'd so very much need.
Stayed tuned for the final installment of Why "Living The Never"? coming your way tomorrow. I wonder what I'll write about after that...
Peace be with you,
Anne
:) * +
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Why "Living The Never"? (Part 2)
So if you recall from Part 1, once upon a time I was 18 (yes, it really did happen) and thought I had all the answers. By bringing Shawn into my life God softened my heart to seeing that some things that are NEVER possibly a good idea actually might be....carrying on:
At this point, perhaps I should have seen to not maintaining any "nevers", but alas my heart was not yet as formed as it would still become--thank goodness no one stays a know-it-all young adult forever! Anyway, we quickly found ourselves not only married and living on college loans, but also pregnant and not possibly any happier about it! This was SUCH a deviation from my plans at 18 and also SUCH a joy in my life. Imagine, then, my subsequent confusion and hurt when God called us to courageously and gracefully live through the experience of a miscarriage. I can say with honesty, there is nothing like the loss of a child to reinforce the importance of relationships and lead one to see what a blessing and priviledge it is to GET to have children. It was from that experience and many others along the journey that I've come to see that my greatest talent is raising children. I say this in utmost humility, knowing that there are many, many things I am most certainly NOT gifted for. I also learned that no life is one that should be hidden, but each should be celebrated and so we named our baby Angela Rose and look forward to eternity together in Heaven with our eldest child.
In spite of worrying at the time that God had given me talents I might not ever get to use, 15 months later Ellie was born and I experienced the wonder of peering into my daughter's eyes. I was an awesome first-time mom (note I most certainly did NOT say perfect) and lived in pure bliss for 3 whole weeks. About the time I once-again had it all figured out, my dad unexpectedly passed away from a complete heart attack. There's nothing like getting married, graduating, having a baby, and losing a parent to bring a person to the quick realization that you've propelled into adulthood and it's not entirely comfortable. But, once again, the shortness of a life saw to the end of reminding me how precious relationships are and hearing God's call to be open to more. I quickly saw the gift I could give to Ellie by giving her a sibling and joyfully, I let go of my plans to "never" have kids close together. I surprised even myself when we answered the Holy Spirit's call with not two, but THREE children in just 3 years. The additions of Maria and Gianna brought an even more expanded heart full of even more love and joy.
Want more? Stay tuned for Part 3 tomorrow....
Peace be with you,
Anne
:) * +
At this point, perhaps I should have seen to not maintaining any "nevers", but alas my heart was not yet as formed as it would still become--thank goodness no one stays a know-it-all young adult forever! Anyway, we quickly found ourselves not only married and living on college loans, but also pregnant and not possibly any happier about it! This was SUCH a deviation from my plans at 18 and also SUCH a joy in my life. Imagine, then, my subsequent confusion and hurt when God called us to courageously and gracefully live through the experience of a miscarriage. I can say with honesty, there is nothing like the loss of a child to reinforce the importance of relationships and lead one to see what a blessing and priviledge it is to GET to have children. It was from that experience and many others along the journey that I've come to see that my greatest talent is raising children. I say this in utmost humility, knowing that there are many, many things I am most certainly NOT gifted for. I also learned that no life is one that should be hidden, but each should be celebrated and so we named our baby Angela Rose and look forward to eternity together in Heaven with our eldest child.
In spite of worrying at the time that God had given me talents I might not ever get to use, 15 months later Ellie was born and I experienced the wonder of peering into my daughter's eyes. I was an awesome first-time mom (note I most certainly did NOT say perfect) and lived in pure bliss for 3 whole weeks. About the time I once-again had it all figured out, my dad unexpectedly passed away from a complete heart attack. There's nothing like getting married, graduating, having a baby, and losing a parent to bring a person to the quick realization that you've propelled into adulthood and it's not entirely comfortable. But, once again, the shortness of a life saw to the end of reminding me how precious relationships are and hearing God's call to be open to more. I quickly saw the gift I could give to Ellie by giving her a sibling and joyfully, I let go of my plans to "never" have kids close together. I surprised even myself when we answered the Holy Spirit's call with not two, but THREE children in just 3 years. The additions of Maria and Gianna brought an even more expanded heart full of even more love and joy.
Want more? Stay tuned for Part 3 tomorrow....
Peace be with you,
Anne
:) * +
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Why "Living The Never"? (Part 1)
Welcome to the start of my blogging journey! I hope it will be something of great fun for me and for you if you continue to read along (I guarantee it will be wordy, sorry). Future posts will be about what daily "living the never" looks like and will hopefully be shorter. As we begin, though, I'd like to start by explaining myself, so let me take you back about 12 years (this is a lengthy story and so will be told over 4 days--stayed tuned!).
It was early August 1999, I was enjoying my last summer as a "child" by delivering pizzas and hanging out with my boyfriend of several months, looking forward to heading off to college--where I was most definitely going to stay together with said boyfriend by way of long distance. ;) Oh, and I had all the answers, knew exactly where my life was headed, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah included a definitively-mapped plan to graduate in 4 years and become a successful professional, THEN marry a good Catholic man, work a few years until we were finacially stable, and THEN become a constantly-happy stay-at-home mom for as long as my appropriately-spaced, appropriate number of children needed me. Simple, right? Here are some facts I knew back then: Love at first sight is NEVER possible. A woman should NEVER sell herself short by getting married (how pathetic!) before earning a full degree and using it. There are NEVER absolutes in this world, so you can believe what you want and I can believe what I want. Parents should NEVER have children too close together, and definitely NOT too many of them unless said parents are rich and have infinite time each day. A good mom would NEVER work while she has children still not in school. MY family would NEVER choose to move away from extended relatives and friends, and MY family would NEVER drive anything bigger than a mini-van because that would imply there's not possibly enough love to go around. Get the picture? (I know it's not "good" to use that many all-caps words, but since it's MY blog I feel I can take artistic liberty.)
Now let me unfold the beauty and joy of how life really goes when you listen to GOD'S plan. You see, it's in the "nevers" that God speaks to me, leading me to become a happily humble human that says YES and is forever changed for the better!
It was in that same August of 1999 that my parents moved me into my dorm room at Benedictine college and said good-bye so that I could head off to the first event of freshman orientation, an ice cream social. I don't think I ate any ice cream, but I did fall head-over-heals in love. There was this crazy boy who wore a bright orange shirt, had purple finger nails, and wore enough Catholic paraphanalia to be described as nothing short of obnoxiously-in-your-face religious who happened to stick his hand in my face and charmed me from the first. Of course this would never be possible since I was already in love and couldn't find someone so brash the least bit appealing, especially not right away. Cue softening of heart number one. Surrounded by the wonderfully faith-filled community of friends I immediately made at Benedictine, I started to reconnect with the girl I'd once been just a few years before--who loved Jesus and didn't bother to hide it--rather than the girl who'd moved to Parsons, KS and seen that being Catholic was a nominal excuse to behave badly, repent so that all was okay, and then repeat. Mind you, whatever you're picturing is probably too extreme since I was never good at being bad, but well, it still wasn't my best 2 years. Anyway, I digress...
I quickly realized the me who loved a boy long-distance was not the real me, broke it off, and started a long 9 months of on-again, off-again dating with the greatest guy (next to Jesus) in the entire world. Really, ladies, sorry you missed out, but I got the best there is. We stayed up many a night talking the world to death and finding a middle ground where we were both much better people. I grew to see that there's simply no reason to have any beliefs if you're not going to take them as absolute and he came to understand that while that's true, you'll gather far more people to those beliefs through kindness rather than through being overly confident. Together we sought answers so that what we believed came from a sincere understanding (and acceptance of mystery) rather than just settling for what the Church tells us we should believe (although not surprisingly to us, we've found the Church to have deep seekers as the ones to determine what It believes and therefore be in the right).
None-the-less, this boy, who shall hence forth be called Shawn, proceeded to break my heart too many times to count as he discerned what God was calling him to and I knew for certain we were to marry and get each other to Heaven. I embodied the pathetic girl who let herself get hurt over and over again, and I'll hurt any boy who ever puts my girls through that, but I can't be completely sorry for it when it's brought me to where I am now. Eventually, Shawn "saw the light" and became whole-heartedly committed and thus I thought we were to begin 2 years of serious dating followed by 1 year of preparation for marriage, which would then happen AFTER we both attained respectable degrees.
Cue softening of heart two. Not more than 2 weeks after Shawn decided to stick, I landed in the hospital with a life-threatening bleeding disorder during the same week my sister was preparing for her own wedding. In case you were curious, this is the perfect recipe for realizing that diplomas matter far less than relationships, which are the real purpose for which we are created. The Holy Spirit spoke into our hearts leading us to become engaged just 4 months after that crazy week, with plans to marry in just 2 more years. If you do the math that's--GASP--1 full year before graduating. By leading me to my vocation of marriage with Shawn, God forced my hand and brought me to admit that the first 3 "nevers" I held were untrue and I was ever-so-thankful for it! My wedding day is still my favorite of all time, not to mention I know I'm SO blessed by all the joys and struggles of the 9 years of married life we've spent together since then.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of our story tomorrow.... it's shorter. :)
It was early August 1999, I was enjoying my last summer as a "child" by delivering pizzas and hanging out with my boyfriend of several months, looking forward to heading off to college--where I was most definitely going to stay together with said boyfriend by way of long distance. ;) Oh, and I had all the answers, knew exactly where my life was headed, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah included a definitively-mapped plan to graduate in 4 years and become a successful professional, THEN marry a good Catholic man, work a few years until we were finacially stable, and THEN become a constantly-happy stay-at-home mom for as long as my appropriately-spaced, appropriate number of children needed me. Simple, right? Here are some facts I knew back then: Love at first sight is NEVER possible. A woman should NEVER sell herself short by getting married (how pathetic!) before earning a full degree and using it. There are NEVER absolutes in this world, so you can believe what you want and I can believe what I want. Parents should NEVER have children too close together, and definitely NOT too many of them unless said parents are rich and have infinite time each day. A good mom would NEVER work while she has children still not in school. MY family would NEVER choose to move away from extended relatives and friends, and MY family would NEVER drive anything bigger than a mini-van because that would imply there's not possibly enough love to go around. Get the picture? (I know it's not "good" to use that many all-caps words, but since it's MY blog I feel I can take artistic liberty.)
Now let me unfold the beauty and joy of how life really goes when you listen to GOD'S plan. You see, it's in the "nevers" that God speaks to me, leading me to become a happily humble human that says YES and is forever changed for the better!
It was in that same August of 1999 that my parents moved me into my dorm room at Benedictine college and said good-bye so that I could head off to the first event of freshman orientation, an ice cream social. I don't think I ate any ice cream, but I did fall head-over-heals in love. There was this crazy boy who wore a bright orange shirt, had purple finger nails, and wore enough Catholic paraphanalia to be described as nothing short of obnoxiously-in-your-face religious who happened to stick his hand in my face and charmed me from the first. Of course this would never be possible since I was already in love and couldn't find someone so brash the least bit appealing, especially not right away. Cue softening of heart number one. Surrounded by the wonderfully faith-filled community of friends I immediately made at Benedictine, I started to reconnect with the girl I'd once been just a few years before--who loved Jesus and didn't bother to hide it--rather than the girl who'd moved to Parsons, KS and seen that being Catholic was a nominal excuse to behave badly, repent so that all was okay, and then repeat. Mind you, whatever you're picturing is probably too extreme since I was never good at being bad, but well, it still wasn't my best 2 years. Anyway, I digress...
I quickly realized the me who loved a boy long-distance was not the real me, broke it off, and started a long 9 months of on-again, off-again dating with the greatest guy (next to Jesus) in the entire world. Really, ladies, sorry you missed out, but I got the best there is. We stayed up many a night talking the world to death and finding a middle ground where we were both much better people. I grew to see that there's simply no reason to have any beliefs if you're not going to take them as absolute and he came to understand that while that's true, you'll gather far more people to those beliefs through kindness rather than through being overly confident. Together we sought answers so that what we believed came from a sincere understanding (and acceptance of mystery) rather than just settling for what the Church tells us we should believe (although not surprisingly to us, we've found the Church to have deep seekers as the ones to determine what It believes and therefore be in the right).
None-the-less, this boy, who shall hence forth be called Shawn, proceeded to break my heart too many times to count as he discerned what God was calling him to and I knew for certain we were to marry and get each other to Heaven. I embodied the pathetic girl who let herself get hurt over and over again, and I'll hurt any boy who ever puts my girls through that, but I can't be completely sorry for it when it's brought me to where I am now. Eventually, Shawn "saw the light" and became whole-heartedly committed and thus I thought we were to begin 2 years of serious dating followed by 1 year of preparation for marriage, which would then happen AFTER we both attained respectable degrees.
Cue softening of heart two. Not more than 2 weeks after Shawn decided to stick, I landed in the hospital with a life-threatening bleeding disorder during the same week my sister was preparing for her own wedding. In case you were curious, this is the perfect recipe for realizing that diplomas matter far less than relationships, which are the real purpose for which we are created. The Holy Spirit spoke into our hearts leading us to become engaged just 4 months after that crazy week, with plans to marry in just 2 more years. If you do the math that's--GASP--1 full year before graduating. By leading me to my vocation of marriage with Shawn, God forced my hand and brought me to admit that the first 3 "nevers" I held were untrue and I was ever-so-thankful for it! My wedding day is still my favorite of all time, not to mention I know I'm SO blessed by all the joys and struggles of the 9 years of married life we've spent together since then.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of our story tomorrow.... it's shorter. :)
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