Without further ado...a conclusion (for now):
Needless to say, we now live in WA, miles and miles and miles from so very much that I hold so dear. Many days I ache for the comfort of that, but many days I'm thankful that of all the surprising things for someone who'd been holding down 3 jobs, I'm now once again (and exclusively) a stay-at-home mom. I have a greater appreciation for it this time around and a clear understanding of the need to still see myself first and foremost as a daughter of God. Shawn, meanwhile, is working harder than ever and making steady, beautiful progress for the youth and young adults of the Seattle archdiocese, as well as in his own professionalism. God has provided him several opportunities for growth ;) and in my humble opinion he's continued to grow quite rapidly as an amazing man of God through this new work. You see, God knew what we could not until trusting to see His plan through: this new life might not be easy, but it challenges us to be authentically who we say we are and call on the Holy Spirit as our source of virtue and way to Heaven. An easy life would not require this increase in dedication to the virtues, so I find myself able to be grateful for the struggles.
Since getting here and realizing somewhere along my journey that speaking "nevers" is openly inviting God into my life, I've found a peace in being called to the parts of this life that make me uncomfortable. In those places that seemed so foreign--and sometimes wrong--to my feeble 18-yr-old mind, I've been stretched to greater virtue and holiness than I could have ever hoped for. I get choked up with gratitude for all the gifts God has given us that would have been missed if I'd stuck to my "nevers". We're far from perfect and thankful that God loves us each day regardless, as well as ever so glad that He is the one laying the path before our feet--He certainly knows better than I!!
To conclude (you thought it would never come?), through listening each day to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit, we now find ourselves in a situation where we are young and naive compared to most people in our state of life. Although, truth be told there are very few people these days who will ever be in "our state of life". God calls each of us to a unique path, but there is no greater road we can walk than the one He lays before our feet. I've come to be grateful, then, that I NEVER know exactly what's coming next, because it turns out I really like His surprises! Never, my friends, say never.
Peace be with you,
Anne
:) * +
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Why "Living The Never"? (Part 3)
So when we left off yesterday, I was pleased--because it was pleasing to God--to have found myself with a husband and 3 children born within 3 years...cue Part 3:
After a couple years of this, I felt unsettled in my soul, and unsure about myself. To my own disbelief, being a stay-at-home mom wasn't all roses and cheerful work. I knew it would be hard work, but I never imagined it might not be 100% satisfying. As I prayed (and worried over) what was to come next, God answered me in a very unexpected way: through our parish priest, He invited me to go to work as our parish DRE and youth minister. Through the 3 years I had that job, I came to value myself again and the skills I have at reaching out to young people and families, I appreciated once again every moment I got to have with my own children, I got to know our church family so much better, and I helped provide for our family at a time when we needed it. I became better again at the job I'd had for many years as Camp Tekakwitha Assistant Director and found renewed joy for the gift of Prairie Star Ranch as our home and vocation. All of these gifts came through a venue I "never" thought appropriate for any good mom. Meanwhile, my children flourished and our family found good balance.
Of course, as I'll tell you in another story some day, I've come to see that God doesn't call us to get comfortable and complacent, but rather to seek further virtue and holiness. This brings us to the part of life when I realized--AGAIN--that being open to God's call means taking time to consider that He might be calling. We were so comfortable with not getting pregnant again that it never even occurred to us to ask God through prayer what HE wanted at that time. As we became aware of this, we did start to pray and we realized He was asking us to be open to new life again. I was SO not in the mood to be pregnant since I'm not one of those women who make it look easy, but we listened and obeyed, and God answered in mercy. Meg's was the easiest pregnancy I've had (thank you, Jesus!) and her addition has brought so much fun into our life that I can't imagine how boring things would have gotten without her.
So now I've filled the seats at my table and in my van which means I've accepted a big-ish family, I've stepped outside my comfort zone and gone to work while having young children, I'm much younger than anyone else with 4 kids and therefore accepted that we're "different"...I've done all God keeps asking and deserve to reap the benefits, right?
"Comfortable...don't get comfortable." (Brandon Heath) If we were listening like such good Christians, why was there a restlessness? Why was my job becoming more complicated and seemingly not conducive to my primary vocation as wife and mom? What could we possibly be missing? Could it, for even one second, be that God was calling us to explore more options and look again at what it really means to be completely open to His ways?
In hearing the Holy Spirit through various ways, including prayer, we decided to expose ourselves to vulnerability and seek out another life situation. We saw that if we didn't put ourselves out there, we weren't giving God a chance to move us another way. We were saying we were open but not being willing to give it a chance to really form...so began a series of applications, resumes, cover letters, and interviews for various jobs located throughout the midwest (and one random one in WA just because the job description was too perfect not to). At this time, I also took on a 3rd job (crazy!) and found great joy in realizing I LOVE being a preschool teacher and will happily go back to that job if/when God ever calls me there again. Shawn's interviews had lead no where, another school year had started and better than expected, and I was loving my newest job...life was mostly all good so maybe we should settle in after all. We'd done our job by being open and God was rewarding us by saying stay? Ha!
Rather, quite suddenly, the job in Seattle was interviewed for and then offered, and seemed very much to be something that would use a great deal of Shawn's gifts, helping him to grow in holiness. I, however, "never" expected that the job God would call him to would be the one that would take me so far from everything known, from everyone known. Surely He knows me better than this? It turns out He does know me better--better than I know myself and as He spoke into my soul, God assured me that if I would say yes, He'd send the Holy Spirit with us and continue to provide the courage I'd so very much need.
Stayed tuned for the final installment of Why "Living The Never"? coming your way tomorrow. I wonder what I'll write about after that...
Peace be with you,
Anne
:) * +
After a couple years of this, I felt unsettled in my soul, and unsure about myself. To my own disbelief, being a stay-at-home mom wasn't all roses and cheerful work. I knew it would be hard work, but I never imagined it might not be 100% satisfying. As I prayed (and worried over) what was to come next, God answered me in a very unexpected way: through our parish priest, He invited me to go to work as our parish DRE and youth minister. Through the 3 years I had that job, I came to value myself again and the skills I have at reaching out to young people and families, I appreciated once again every moment I got to have with my own children, I got to know our church family so much better, and I helped provide for our family at a time when we needed it. I became better again at the job I'd had for many years as Camp Tekakwitha Assistant Director and found renewed joy for the gift of Prairie Star Ranch as our home and vocation. All of these gifts came through a venue I "never" thought appropriate for any good mom. Meanwhile, my children flourished and our family found good balance.
Of course, as I'll tell you in another story some day, I've come to see that God doesn't call us to get comfortable and complacent, but rather to seek further virtue and holiness. This brings us to the part of life when I realized--AGAIN--that being open to God's call means taking time to consider that He might be calling. We were so comfortable with not getting pregnant again that it never even occurred to us to ask God through prayer what HE wanted at that time. As we became aware of this, we did start to pray and we realized He was asking us to be open to new life again. I was SO not in the mood to be pregnant since I'm not one of those women who make it look easy, but we listened and obeyed, and God answered in mercy. Meg's was the easiest pregnancy I've had (thank you, Jesus!) and her addition has brought so much fun into our life that I can't imagine how boring things would have gotten without her.
So now I've filled the seats at my table and in my van which means I've accepted a big-ish family, I've stepped outside my comfort zone and gone to work while having young children, I'm much younger than anyone else with 4 kids and therefore accepted that we're "different"...I've done all God keeps asking and deserve to reap the benefits, right?
"Comfortable...don't get comfortable." (Brandon Heath) If we were listening like such good Christians, why was there a restlessness? Why was my job becoming more complicated and seemingly not conducive to my primary vocation as wife and mom? What could we possibly be missing? Could it, for even one second, be that God was calling us to explore more options and look again at what it really means to be completely open to His ways?
In hearing the Holy Spirit through various ways, including prayer, we decided to expose ourselves to vulnerability and seek out another life situation. We saw that if we didn't put ourselves out there, we weren't giving God a chance to move us another way. We were saying we were open but not being willing to give it a chance to really form...so began a series of applications, resumes, cover letters, and interviews for various jobs located throughout the midwest (and one random one in WA just because the job description was too perfect not to). At this time, I also took on a 3rd job (crazy!) and found great joy in realizing I LOVE being a preschool teacher and will happily go back to that job if/when God ever calls me there again. Shawn's interviews had lead no where, another school year had started and better than expected, and I was loving my newest job...life was mostly all good so maybe we should settle in after all. We'd done our job by being open and God was rewarding us by saying stay? Ha!
Rather, quite suddenly, the job in Seattle was interviewed for and then offered, and seemed very much to be something that would use a great deal of Shawn's gifts, helping him to grow in holiness. I, however, "never" expected that the job God would call him to would be the one that would take me so far from everything known, from everyone known. Surely He knows me better than this? It turns out He does know me better--better than I know myself and as He spoke into my soul, God assured me that if I would say yes, He'd send the Holy Spirit with us and continue to provide the courage I'd so very much need.
Stayed tuned for the final installment of Why "Living The Never"? coming your way tomorrow. I wonder what I'll write about after that...
Peace be with you,
Anne
:) * +
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Why "Living The Never"? (Part 2)
So if you recall from Part 1, once upon a time I was 18 (yes, it really did happen) and thought I had all the answers. By bringing Shawn into my life God softened my heart to seeing that some things that are NEVER possibly a good idea actually might be....carrying on:
At this point, perhaps I should have seen to not maintaining any "nevers", but alas my heart was not yet as formed as it would still become--thank goodness no one stays a know-it-all young adult forever! Anyway, we quickly found ourselves not only married and living on college loans, but also pregnant and not possibly any happier about it! This was SUCH a deviation from my plans at 18 and also SUCH a joy in my life. Imagine, then, my subsequent confusion and hurt when God called us to courageously and gracefully live through the experience of a miscarriage. I can say with honesty, there is nothing like the loss of a child to reinforce the importance of relationships and lead one to see what a blessing and priviledge it is to GET to have children. It was from that experience and many others along the journey that I've come to see that my greatest talent is raising children. I say this in utmost humility, knowing that there are many, many things I am most certainly NOT gifted for. I also learned that no life is one that should be hidden, but each should be celebrated and so we named our baby Angela Rose and look forward to eternity together in Heaven with our eldest child.
In spite of worrying at the time that God had given me talents I might not ever get to use, 15 months later Ellie was born and I experienced the wonder of peering into my daughter's eyes. I was an awesome first-time mom (note I most certainly did NOT say perfect) and lived in pure bliss for 3 whole weeks. About the time I once-again had it all figured out, my dad unexpectedly passed away from a complete heart attack. There's nothing like getting married, graduating, having a baby, and losing a parent to bring a person to the quick realization that you've propelled into adulthood and it's not entirely comfortable. But, once again, the shortness of a life saw to the end of reminding me how precious relationships are and hearing God's call to be open to more. I quickly saw the gift I could give to Ellie by giving her a sibling and joyfully, I let go of my plans to "never" have kids close together. I surprised even myself when we answered the Holy Spirit's call with not two, but THREE children in just 3 years. The additions of Maria and Gianna brought an even more expanded heart full of even more love and joy.
Want more? Stay tuned for Part 3 tomorrow....
Peace be with you,
Anne
:) * +
At this point, perhaps I should have seen to not maintaining any "nevers", but alas my heart was not yet as formed as it would still become--thank goodness no one stays a know-it-all young adult forever! Anyway, we quickly found ourselves not only married and living on college loans, but also pregnant and not possibly any happier about it! This was SUCH a deviation from my plans at 18 and also SUCH a joy in my life. Imagine, then, my subsequent confusion and hurt when God called us to courageously and gracefully live through the experience of a miscarriage. I can say with honesty, there is nothing like the loss of a child to reinforce the importance of relationships and lead one to see what a blessing and priviledge it is to GET to have children. It was from that experience and many others along the journey that I've come to see that my greatest talent is raising children. I say this in utmost humility, knowing that there are many, many things I am most certainly NOT gifted for. I also learned that no life is one that should be hidden, but each should be celebrated and so we named our baby Angela Rose and look forward to eternity together in Heaven with our eldest child.
In spite of worrying at the time that God had given me talents I might not ever get to use, 15 months later Ellie was born and I experienced the wonder of peering into my daughter's eyes. I was an awesome first-time mom (note I most certainly did NOT say perfect) and lived in pure bliss for 3 whole weeks. About the time I once-again had it all figured out, my dad unexpectedly passed away from a complete heart attack. There's nothing like getting married, graduating, having a baby, and losing a parent to bring a person to the quick realization that you've propelled into adulthood and it's not entirely comfortable. But, once again, the shortness of a life saw to the end of reminding me how precious relationships are and hearing God's call to be open to more. I quickly saw the gift I could give to Ellie by giving her a sibling and joyfully, I let go of my plans to "never" have kids close together. I surprised even myself when we answered the Holy Spirit's call with not two, but THREE children in just 3 years. The additions of Maria and Gianna brought an even more expanded heart full of even more love and joy.
Want more? Stay tuned for Part 3 tomorrow....
Peace be with you,
Anne
:) * +
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Why "Living The Never"? (Part 1)
Welcome to the start of my blogging journey! I hope it will be something of great fun for me and for you if you continue to read along (I guarantee it will be wordy, sorry). Future posts will be about what daily "living the never" looks like and will hopefully be shorter. As we begin, though, I'd like to start by explaining myself, so let me take you back about 12 years (this is a lengthy story and so will be told over 4 days--stayed tuned!).
It was early August 1999, I was enjoying my last summer as a "child" by delivering pizzas and hanging out with my boyfriend of several months, looking forward to heading off to college--where I was most definitely going to stay together with said boyfriend by way of long distance. ;) Oh, and I had all the answers, knew exactly where my life was headed, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah included a definitively-mapped plan to graduate in 4 years and become a successful professional, THEN marry a good Catholic man, work a few years until we were finacially stable, and THEN become a constantly-happy stay-at-home mom for as long as my appropriately-spaced, appropriate number of children needed me. Simple, right? Here are some facts I knew back then: Love at first sight is NEVER possible. A woman should NEVER sell herself short by getting married (how pathetic!) before earning a full degree and using it. There are NEVER absolutes in this world, so you can believe what you want and I can believe what I want. Parents should NEVER have children too close together, and definitely NOT too many of them unless said parents are rich and have infinite time each day. A good mom would NEVER work while she has children still not in school. MY family would NEVER choose to move away from extended relatives and friends, and MY family would NEVER drive anything bigger than a mini-van because that would imply there's not possibly enough love to go around. Get the picture? (I know it's not "good" to use that many all-caps words, but since it's MY blog I feel I can take artistic liberty.)
Now let me unfold the beauty and joy of how life really goes when you listen to GOD'S plan. You see, it's in the "nevers" that God speaks to me, leading me to become a happily humble human that says YES and is forever changed for the better!
It was in that same August of 1999 that my parents moved me into my dorm room at Benedictine college and said good-bye so that I could head off to the first event of freshman orientation, an ice cream social. I don't think I ate any ice cream, but I did fall head-over-heals in love. There was this crazy boy who wore a bright orange shirt, had purple finger nails, and wore enough Catholic paraphanalia to be described as nothing short of obnoxiously-in-your-face religious who happened to stick his hand in my face and charmed me from the first. Of course this would never be possible since I was already in love and couldn't find someone so brash the least bit appealing, especially not right away. Cue softening of heart number one. Surrounded by the wonderfully faith-filled community of friends I immediately made at Benedictine, I started to reconnect with the girl I'd once been just a few years before--who loved Jesus and didn't bother to hide it--rather than the girl who'd moved to Parsons, KS and seen that being Catholic was a nominal excuse to behave badly, repent so that all was okay, and then repeat. Mind you, whatever you're picturing is probably too extreme since I was never good at being bad, but well, it still wasn't my best 2 years. Anyway, I digress...
I quickly realized the me who loved a boy long-distance was not the real me, broke it off, and started a long 9 months of on-again, off-again dating with the greatest guy (next to Jesus) in the entire world. Really, ladies, sorry you missed out, but I got the best there is. We stayed up many a night talking the world to death and finding a middle ground where we were both much better people. I grew to see that there's simply no reason to have any beliefs if you're not going to take them as absolute and he came to understand that while that's true, you'll gather far more people to those beliefs through kindness rather than through being overly confident. Together we sought answers so that what we believed came from a sincere understanding (and acceptance of mystery) rather than just settling for what the Church tells us we should believe (although not surprisingly to us, we've found the Church to have deep seekers as the ones to determine what It believes and therefore be in the right).
None-the-less, this boy, who shall hence forth be called Shawn, proceeded to break my heart too many times to count as he discerned what God was calling him to and I knew for certain we were to marry and get each other to Heaven. I embodied the pathetic girl who let herself get hurt over and over again, and I'll hurt any boy who ever puts my girls through that, but I can't be completely sorry for it when it's brought me to where I am now. Eventually, Shawn "saw the light" and became whole-heartedly committed and thus I thought we were to begin 2 years of serious dating followed by 1 year of preparation for marriage, which would then happen AFTER we both attained respectable degrees.
Cue softening of heart two. Not more than 2 weeks after Shawn decided to stick, I landed in the hospital with a life-threatening bleeding disorder during the same week my sister was preparing for her own wedding. In case you were curious, this is the perfect recipe for realizing that diplomas matter far less than relationships, which are the real purpose for which we are created. The Holy Spirit spoke into our hearts leading us to become engaged just 4 months after that crazy week, with plans to marry in just 2 more years. If you do the math that's--GASP--1 full year before graduating. By leading me to my vocation of marriage with Shawn, God forced my hand and brought me to admit that the first 3 "nevers" I held were untrue and I was ever-so-thankful for it! My wedding day is still my favorite of all time, not to mention I know I'm SO blessed by all the joys and struggles of the 9 years of married life we've spent together since then.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of our story tomorrow.... it's shorter. :)
It was early August 1999, I was enjoying my last summer as a "child" by delivering pizzas and hanging out with my boyfriend of several months, looking forward to heading off to college--where I was most definitely going to stay together with said boyfriend by way of long distance. ;) Oh, and I had all the answers, knew exactly where my life was headed, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah included a definitively-mapped plan to graduate in 4 years and become a successful professional, THEN marry a good Catholic man, work a few years until we were finacially stable, and THEN become a constantly-happy stay-at-home mom for as long as my appropriately-spaced, appropriate number of children needed me. Simple, right? Here are some facts I knew back then: Love at first sight is NEVER possible. A woman should NEVER sell herself short by getting married (how pathetic!) before earning a full degree and using it. There are NEVER absolutes in this world, so you can believe what you want and I can believe what I want. Parents should NEVER have children too close together, and definitely NOT too many of them unless said parents are rich and have infinite time each day. A good mom would NEVER work while she has children still not in school. MY family would NEVER choose to move away from extended relatives and friends, and MY family would NEVER drive anything bigger than a mini-van because that would imply there's not possibly enough love to go around. Get the picture? (I know it's not "good" to use that many all-caps words, but since it's MY blog I feel I can take artistic liberty.)
Now let me unfold the beauty and joy of how life really goes when you listen to GOD'S plan. You see, it's in the "nevers" that God speaks to me, leading me to become a happily humble human that says YES and is forever changed for the better!
It was in that same August of 1999 that my parents moved me into my dorm room at Benedictine college and said good-bye so that I could head off to the first event of freshman orientation, an ice cream social. I don't think I ate any ice cream, but I did fall head-over-heals in love. There was this crazy boy who wore a bright orange shirt, had purple finger nails, and wore enough Catholic paraphanalia to be described as nothing short of obnoxiously-in-your-face religious who happened to stick his hand in my face and charmed me from the first. Of course this would never be possible since I was already in love and couldn't find someone so brash the least bit appealing, especially not right away. Cue softening of heart number one. Surrounded by the wonderfully faith-filled community of friends I immediately made at Benedictine, I started to reconnect with the girl I'd once been just a few years before--who loved Jesus and didn't bother to hide it--rather than the girl who'd moved to Parsons, KS and seen that being Catholic was a nominal excuse to behave badly, repent so that all was okay, and then repeat. Mind you, whatever you're picturing is probably too extreme since I was never good at being bad, but well, it still wasn't my best 2 years. Anyway, I digress...
I quickly realized the me who loved a boy long-distance was not the real me, broke it off, and started a long 9 months of on-again, off-again dating with the greatest guy (next to Jesus) in the entire world. Really, ladies, sorry you missed out, but I got the best there is. We stayed up many a night talking the world to death and finding a middle ground where we were both much better people. I grew to see that there's simply no reason to have any beliefs if you're not going to take them as absolute and he came to understand that while that's true, you'll gather far more people to those beliefs through kindness rather than through being overly confident. Together we sought answers so that what we believed came from a sincere understanding (and acceptance of mystery) rather than just settling for what the Church tells us we should believe (although not surprisingly to us, we've found the Church to have deep seekers as the ones to determine what It believes and therefore be in the right).
None-the-less, this boy, who shall hence forth be called Shawn, proceeded to break my heart too many times to count as he discerned what God was calling him to and I knew for certain we were to marry and get each other to Heaven. I embodied the pathetic girl who let herself get hurt over and over again, and I'll hurt any boy who ever puts my girls through that, but I can't be completely sorry for it when it's brought me to where I am now. Eventually, Shawn "saw the light" and became whole-heartedly committed and thus I thought we were to begin 2 years of serious dating followed by 1 year of preparation for marriage, which would then happen AFTER we both attained respectable degrees.
Cue softening of heart two. Not more than 2 weeks after Shawn decided to stick, I landed in the hospital with a life-threatening bleeding disorder during the same week my sister was preparing for her own wedding. In case you were curious, this is the perfect recipe for realizing that diplomas matter far less than relationships, which are the real purpose for which we are created. The Holy Spirit spoke into our hearts leading us to become engaged just 4 months after that crazy week, with plans to marry in just 2 more years. If you do the math that's--GASP--1 full year before graduating. By leading me to my vocation of marriage with Shawn, God forced my hand and brought me to admit that the first 3 "nevers" I held were untrue and I was ever-so-thankful for it! My wedding day is still my favorite of all time, not to mention I know I'm SO blessed by all the joys and struggles of the 9 years of married life we've spent together since then.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of our story tomorrow.... it's shorter. :)
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