I think the easiest place to begin is the beginning. You see, when I wrote my four-part intro to my blog 3 months ago, it originally had an additional paragraph at the end. A paragraph that 2 days into my 4-day series I had to, for my emotional preservation, take out and leave for a later day or maybe for never at all. Here is that paragraph for you now:
"... I now also have some joyful news to share: God believes us capable of even more expanded hearts, more crowded bedrooms, another leaf in the table, and, my "worst fear" realized...perhaps a suburban SUV. That's right, my friends, we're having another baby!!!! :) I'll be the first to admit I never expected God would call us this direction at this time, but I feel very confident in His guiding hand and will try to follow Mary's example of changing the world by saying YES! Little child of mine, I can't promise you many things for absolute certain, but I can say this much: you will be so very loved and cherished--not only by your Creator, but also by the family that's so blessed to have you. We'll laugh together, cry together, sometimes fail together, and hopefully more often than not, follow the will of God together so that we can end up in Heaven together."
Yes, my friends, Shawn and I are now the parents to a sixth child! It was very much a surprise, which was a new experience for us and one that didn't sit entirely comfortably at first. I was really, really, really content with four children--it just seemed so perfect for now. I never doubted that God would provide for another person in our house, but had to work on adjusting my selfish lines of thinking...I discovered that one of my imperfections is that it was a lot easier to speak about a culture of life than to live it out in MY own life.
It is, however, with a heavy heart, that I continue the story. As it turns out, through the grace of God, I found myself completely capable of falling in love with my youngest child in very short time and accepting the changes that would be necessary to make room for that love. And so, 2 days into starting my blog, Shawn and I headed to the doctor for our first ultrasound with plans to tell the girls that night about their new sibling and share with everyone on the world wide web at the conclusion of my blog 2 days later. Sadly, instead we came home crushed, confused, overwhelmed (for the second time in less than a month), and numb. Who knew the words, "this isn't a viable pregnancy" could hurt so much, even when delivered with such compassion? Who knew that losing a baby you weren't sure you wanted in the first place could be such a blow to the heart? Who knew that when God has stretched you farther than ever before and you've come to peace with it, there could be more stretching to come so very soon?
Instead of sharing joy, we were now grieving loss...and grieving loss silently except for the amazing support of closest friends and family. Talking about miscarriages isn't comfortable for most people in the world and much as I wanted to scream, "THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!" and tell everyone why, the rational side of me knew regret would follow that. So, instead we simply omitted the last paragraph of my blog intro, waited 5 days to be sure, gave the girls a very overly-simplified explanation of why Mommy had to go spend an afternoon at the hospital, picked ourselves up and started life at a new school and parish just 2 days later. Inside I was churning, aching, feeling guilty that I was also a little relieved (all those details wouldn't have to be figured out now), and lonely. There I was in the midst of a new community of people I was hoping would become new friends, and the only intro that kept running through my head was, "hi, I'm Anne and I just lost my baby to miscarriage." Probably not a very good lead off, huh? So, we kept it to ourselves and tried to be as authentically joyful as possible for the girls' sake and again, for self-preservation.
After time, we came to a sense of being able to tell the girls with joy and peace about their youngest sibling...to be able to speak the name Hilary Francis Madden. There's some line of thinking that maybe since I was only 8 weeks pregnant it's not an important enough event for them to need to know. While I do agree they don't need to know, I also accept that I can't authentically stand up and say I believe in the soul of each conceived human if I deny this one's dignity because life was so very brief. And so now, thanks to our belief in the communion of saints, Ellie, Maria, Gianna, and Meg feel a little sadness for not getting to hold Hilary but they also get the special blessing of getting to be in relationship now with their oldest AND youngest siblings who are both in Heaven--the blessing of the opportunity to love and be loved. Their easy acceptance of this new soul in Heaven is a beautiful witness to having faith like a child!
Throughout the course of dealing with this--which I'm not even close to done with--I've had moments I'm really proud of and moments that I'll have a hard time ever forgiving myself for. I've had moments of clear rationality and moments that I've later seen were times that I let the devil dance in my head and fill me with doubt. I hope some day I'll stop questioning if we did everything we could, if we waited long enough to allow God to work a miracle if He had wanted to, if we prayed hard enough and subsequently entrusted ourselves to those prayers well enough, if "100% miscarriage" was really truly the truth. I hope some day I'll be able to speak to Hilary and not feel compelled to lead off with, "I'm sorry I failed you." But I also realize that I need to work through those feelings and truly accept the love and forgiveness Jesus is offering and remember that we DID pray our way through it, and we DID push for certainty from our doctor before acting, and we DID act in the best way we knew how. So, my weakness now is in letting the devil fill me with all those doubts, in giving any time to those thoughts when I know that even if--IF--we failed in any one piece of that, God loves us still, loves us now, loves us always. It's not our perfection in thought and action that will get us to Heaven to live eternally with Jesus and Hilary, and everyone else, but rather it's HIS perfection that covers us in grace and mercy if only we accept it.
Do I think I'm the first woman to have these kinds of thoughts after a miscarriage? Absolutely not. I don't think my story is anything unique or special. I don't think my grief and pain compare, perhaps, to that of a parent who loses a child at birth or to a car accident...but then, it isn't about comparisons, is it? It's about wrapping ourselves in the love, peace, strength and forgiveness of our Heavenly Father. It is through the beautiful example of friends who've shared similar experiences and told their story that I have courage to write this today, that I have the courage to be completely and openly pro-life. I hope that in sharing my story maybe I'm paying it forward--maybe I'm reminding you to take heart and find comfort in a life committed to God. I'm also asking not for your pity, but for your prayers in joy and thanksgiving for another soul, another life--for Hilary Francis. I'm asking you to celebrate with me, so that I, too, might remember to celebrate God's divine plan. Vitae Victoria Erit--Life will be victorious!!!!
